Asking the dermatologist to drain my liberal bubble

Gonna start commenting on my own posts "let her cook"

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

What if God had cargo shorts?

bought several decorative soaps yesterday, and I feel like a new person

your doomsday scenario or mine

bsky suspended gwen pepperoni again and it’s so pathetic. how dare gwen say trans people matter. what controversial thing might gwen have said next, that kittens are adorable? bring gwen back.

call me a kook but i think we should vote for people who want to make our lives demonstrably better

a tray of lasagna can be an apéritif nothing matters anymore

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

Love the new dodge from sites determined to trade in users' information. "Reject all" is no longer an option on cookies. It's now "Accept all" or "Pay to be allowed to assert your rights".

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

You make one suggestion about buying a couple of hookers for the 21 year old D&D virgins that work for you, and suddenly your the “worst boss ever” and everyone’s clutching their pearls. I don’t even know what reality I’m living in anymore.

I’ve been at work for the last half hour but I can’t bring myself to get out of my car.

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

give a man a fish and he'll probably eat it i don't know what else he would do it's one fish bro let it go

i have no idea what that means *like*

Going to teach the raccoons in my area to smoke dope with me and listen to stories about Jimothy and we can eat cookies and knock over the neighbours bin, shed, and shit in his pool

Sorry. *shrug* I would, but on Monday night I dance naked under the worm moon to invoke an ancient curse on anyone who asks if I can do one more thing if I have time.

Phone Person: I really need that tomorrow morning, first thing. Tonight would be better. Or FIRST THING. Me: *Godfather voice* You come into my house on the day I just took my mother on a 7-hour trip to her cardiologist, and you ask me to do more work -- for money. Person: *pause* Well. Um. Yeah?

My elderly mother is still warning me to beware of "internet hobbits" & also "all of that really creepy A-One stuff," and I corrected her the first few times on how to say it, but then I stopped when I realized I enjoy her and her way of putting things more.

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.

“Right Here Right Now” is my favorite song about being punctual.

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesn’t

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”