a dog will stand there looking sheepish when he’s done something wrong—a cat will put on a dog mask and woof

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

The dog days are over. Oops, now they’re starting again. - Florence + The Time Machine

[date] her: I’m a big dog person me: *whispering* oh shit werewolf

taught my dog sarcasm and now she won't stop snarking at strangers

I still remember the last words my wife ever said to me so clearly: “I won’t tell you again, next time you come round here I’m setting the dogs on you”.

Worst thing about being married to a werewolf is wandering around in the dark with dog treats because he won't come back in after peeing at 3am.

This day in history. 1628. The heavily armed warship Vasa, ordered built by Swedish king Gustavus Adolphus the Great, sank 1,300 metres into her maiden voyage. The ship was dangerously unstable, much like the king, being top-heavy due to the bronze cannons and the akvavit.

A great way to end a conversation is to take your shoe off and hit them with it

I hope you're singing your favorite song to the top of your lungs. And no one can object.

"What's a dump like you doing in a pretty girl like this?" I ask the sentient gyoza that has settled behind the eyes and taken over the central nervous system of the woman I haphazardly sat next to on the bus.

A glory hole but to boop dog noses.

This day in history. 2004. On a bridge in Chicago 800 pounds of human waste was dumped from a Dave Matthews Band tour bus onto 250 passengers on an architectural boat tour. The band paid $300,000 in fines and to charities but insisted they had only done what their fans would have wanted them to do.

whenever I play golf I like to shout “four!” to remind everyone how many multifamily housing complexes could be built on each hole

Is this wallowing hole taken?

Is glory hole one word or two? I want to get these architectural design plans perfect.

I’m with me 100 percent.

Alexa, what we’ve got here is failure to communicate.

The irony of a robot telling me that I’ve failed the test and that I am in fact a robot is why I have trust issues.

Them: Failure is not an option. Me: Then how have I picked it so many times?

When all else fails why shouldn’t you?

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

All I'm saying is there are no donut parasites

What if the moon wobbles off and slams into us

This day in history. 529. Feast day of Sithney, patron saint of mad dogs and the National Rifle Association.

String theory? More like string fact. Strings are 100% real, I’ve got them in my shoes FFS.

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

[date] her: I’m a librarian me: lol astrology isn’t real

“A real friend would be more supportive” I whined resentfully to my imaginary friend.