A month in of working at the licka store, and the most eye opening thing I've learned is, not everyone is as delightful of an alcoholic as I. Coulda saved time and just stayed on Twitter.

That picture of Mitch is about as convincing of your 2021 Facetuned Twitter profile picture

At my funeral, please make sure to note that while I did not contribute to human progress in any way, at least I didn't stand in the way of it

Uh-oh I took it to the bridge instead of the house and now I don’t know where the hell I am

Stopped being horny and now I just think about spaghetti and meatballs a lot.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them [watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone] I mean, not that one, but most

Sorry I haven't been around much. I didn't want to.

Bluesky: verify your age Me:

Cheers to savings at Spec's

My first closing shift tonight Fuckery shall be afoot.

Ok Google: make me look less like an old hag.

OK science, if "evolution" is for real, then how come I never learn from my mistakes? Game, set, and match.

Starting my job at the liquor store tomorrow. I'm fully prepared to be an absolute menace.

I don't hate her, but I wouldn't lose any sleep if someone spiked her TAB with drano

I have no jokes, so in the spirit of the day, give me all of your responses to slight inconveniences. I'll go first. When I'm talking and someone says something so ridiculously stupid in response, I say "Good talk. Changed my life" Now you go...

WAKE UP!!!!

The 82 y.o. just dropped 4k on a new mower and I'm over here trying to figure out how to be added to his will

So first, Idiocracy became reality and now they're trying to put us in a Tank Girl situation. Stop using AI

a man in a suit is holding a glass and says " lovely "

ALT: a man in a suit is holding a glass and says " lovely "

media.tenor.com

I was gonna give up pendejadas for Lent. Good thing I'm not Catholic.

Cashapp me $5 so I can get an expedited passport

Why would I have thoughts when I can play music really loud?

we need to start Project Gay Ant

I think I scrolled too far.

I don’t know. Maybe don’t over analyze that skeet. It’s entertainment not a dissertation that needs correcting and grading.

She doesn't want flowers and candy for valentines day, she wants her back blown out while you're pulling her hair and calling her good girl

Happy Friday the 13th!! Also, it's international mistress/side piece day, so if you don't hear from your s.o. tomorrow, it's definitely because they don't believe in the commerciality of a made up holiday and not because they're with their spouse 💙

First Theo, now Dawson. If the universe could stop taking the people from my childhood too soon, that would be great.

I've seen what the vast majority of y'all released from your drafts folder on Twitter, so I suggest you just continue to fly by the seats of your pants.

🎵I'm gonna practice brujeria; I'm gonna make you fall in love🎵 or whatever Sublime said

wow bad bunny was awesome but I did not expect all the hardcore gay sex