I accidentally shifted into Quark instead of Park and now my car is all messed up/down/charm/strange/top/bottom.
[Power goes out] Wife: You wanna play a board game? Me: Bored game? That sounds kinda counterproductive. Wife: Hahaha *stabbing me* Haha haha ha aaaaaa
Bugle chips were invented when Garth Bugle inflated a corn condom at his grandpa's 90th birthday party and it fell in a deep fryer.
Me: Stinging telegram for Carl Carl: What? You mean "singing" telegram? [Wasps blot out the sun]
my plug keeps sending ravens that say “i’m but a days ride from the castle” bro you aren’t even in my lord’s many and vast territories
Super Soldier program? Haha, no no. I spent 2 trillion dollars of government funding on developing a revolutionary Souper Soldier. It's a guy who can identify any soup known to man from a mile away. Your thing sounds cool too tho.
*pours a bunch of pancake syrup on a cat and watches it ruin every piece of furniture in the house*
When I die, I’m leaving everything to my neighbor’s parrot. It seems fair since I’m the one who taught it all those swear words.
People are going CRAZY for The Obelisk! Audiences are raving, HowLiNg as THe ObelIsK CoMpELs ThEm to bAtHE in t̸h̸E̴ ̴v̶i̵L̵e̵ ̶I̴C̴H̵O̶R̸ ̶o̵f̸ ̵A̷B̷H̷O̸T̴H̶!!
Doctors hate me for my one simple trick: sneaking into the exam room when they step out and liquifying their patients with a potent blend of neurotoxins and digestive enzymes.
Got kicked out of Home Depot for screaming "This Is NOT A Drill!" while holding various non-drills.
Sorry amigo, *cocks mustard bottle* but you're donion rings *sprays mustard all over a perfectly awful Denny's*
[The nuke scene from Terminator 2 but it's me opening a mystery jar in the back of the fridge]
I invented a new thing called Netflix and Dill where you come over and we eat pickles on the floor.
The existence of LeVar Burton implies the existence of LeVar Ernieton.
Wise Man: Let sleeping dogs lie Me: *watching a dog podcast about election integrity* You sure that's a good idea?
Friend: What'd you buy at the card shop this weekend? Me: I got a new Magic starter dick! Friend: You mean starter deck? Me: Ya know, I thought it smelled a bit weird..
The Kool Aid Man ladles directly from his head, saying "Take this when you are thirsty and drink, for this is my blood"
Beyoncé: I don't think you're ready for this jelly 🎶 Me: *watching the approaching 30 meter wall of strawberry jam* You are correct.
I'm a dumb piece of shit?! Well would a dumb piece of shit do THIS?! *inexplicably does the dumbest fucken thing you've ever seen*
Damn girl, do you crit with that ass? Do you land a 1 in 20 chance insta-death attack with that ass?
Popcorn implies the existence of metalcorn and grungecorn.
My amulet’s cursed too but you don’t hear me whining about it