People are just land manatees.

I’ve decided to use my relaxed and positive personality for the first 30 days of this relationship

Lets play hide and not seek each other.

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

Each decade of music tells a story. That’s why basically everything from this one is so horrible

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

Happy Wednesday!

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

Hot singles in your area find your views on pizza toppings a cause for concern.

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

Abe Lincoln, some historians say, could fuck a bear without engaging in any foreplay. But he always did the foreplay. He was a great man.

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Don’t talk to me until my pills kick in. *10 minutes later* I’M A UNICORN!!! Ok, we’re good now.

I don’t know guys, maybe we jumped timelines into some sort of bizarro world where the biggest douche runs the country and our great uncle wears a t-shirt with his face on it.

Walking into the woods, never to return, for my mental health.

I don’t want to converse with 1 person, much less 100.

Bluesky@bsky.app · yesterday

Update: group chats can now host up to 100 members.

My DMs are closed but I might be not interested in this too.

Bluesky@bsky.app · yesterday

Update: group chats can now host up to 100 members.

After all these years, my husband still believes me when I threaten his mother.

It’s August 4 do you know if your senator is an organ donor

This feels like a trap.

*does the spray bottle spraying sound while spraying a spray bottle*

me: you’re my kind of people my imaginary friend: I have a boyfriend

TGITue

having a “psychological break” actually sounds kind of nice

my account still has that new post smell

I know we’ve never met, but I think we should start seeing other people.

I’m a bisexual woman, so I was always really busy at frat parties.

My underwear latch in the back with magnets

long story short *screams*

Alien: greetings earthling Me: hey Alien: are you not amazed, stunned, and in awe of us? Me: look, I've got a lot going on rn