Indiana Jones and the Celtic Fibulae: in which Indy spends 6 months excavating a 500 meter area of a field in Wales looking for bronze age fasteners, while simultaneously developing a taste for brown ale at the local pub in the evenings

this is like the time i got a new label maker

have you guys heard of these things called "beverages"? they are thirst quenchingly good

(following behind a 4Runner doing 10 MPH under the speed limit) Me: More like 4Walker. Nobody: Me: Still got it.

My brain is a machine that converts awkward conversational silences into wildly out of context statements

sorry to announce this account is owned by private equity now and the quality of my posts will get even worse

I don’t think white people actually like Paula Deen. I think we just like butter

any turtle can be a snapping turtle if the jazz is smooth enough

I started seeing RIP big pussy posts and thought I slipped into a Sixth Sense after realm where I didn’t know I died

Welcome to middle age. You now have a special space between your teeth that can fit an entire meal

You're in her DMs, I'm being wrapped in her silken fibers while her caustic biochemicals begin the process of predigestion

Ran out of Febreeze so I'm filling up a spray bottle with hot dog water and hoping for the best.

if anyone ever tells you to stop doing something you can just say “everybody grieves differently” and then they will let you keep doing that thing

maniacal laughter for maniacal circumstances doesn't feel like the best medicine, and that's why I take Prescription Drugs™️

My life is consistently more complicated than the average person's, mostly because I consistently make worse decisions than they do

when there was only one set of footprints that was when I ghosted you

I'm tired of having to do stupid things for my employer, I just wanna be stupid for me. I'm trying to preserve my amateur stupidity status

day 2 of posting margot photos from the archives until morale improves

SCIENTIST: giant centipedes are attacking new york! ARMY GENERAL: my god that one must be 100 feet SCIENTIST: they all have 100 feet roger

Therapist: "and what do we tell ourselves when we try to solve all of our problems with a campaign of vengeful bloodshed?" Me, very sheepishly: "...I am not John Wick"

Reminder to sporadically check on your goths in this heat. Check under logs/in shaded graveyards and leave out a little dish of water at dusk.

nice joke, lol, reminds me of this unrelated political thing i can’t stop talking about

Ronald McDonald is a clown but he doesn’t really do clown shit he’s more a guy who likes that look

If I did have two wolves, and all of the world to work with, I'm not sure that "inside me" would be where I chose to keep them

we are the daughters of the hoes you couldn't scare

At the time, Jingle Bell Rock really did rock. It was like Pantera today

Babe, Jerry's back and my reply to his post is doing well. Is that a new suitcase?

There's no punk rock way to run from a flying cicada

Kids these days never overthrow the Czar anymore

Why I’m a fan of the Oxford comma.