Spider NextDoor is just pages and pages of them talking shit about me constantly walking through their webs
Matty
@bestestname.bsky.social
Bluesky is easy. You just have to be funny all the time or no one will love you https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:n3kxj4fonot7lg67tmakj4dn/feed/aaacgs3xfjaw4
Let me just say it's very easy to mistake this for an earbud when you find it in your pocket
I feel underqualified to be the only one preventing forrest fires
As I was explaining to my grandpa how likes and reposts work he started writing me out of his will
I feel like I've waited long enough. I would like my deferred gratification now please.
Google Photos here. Just wanted to remind you how much better you looked 6 years ago.
The rock stars from my generation could beat up the rock stars from your generation
Having a no screen summer which means all the bugs have gotten in
I know the coffee cup is empty, so I'm only going to check it 3 more times
*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow sponsor: that's AAA you idiot
accidentally saw into my dental file and it said “extra Novocain this one’s a little bitch”
Lost so many good people to swimming without waiting a half hour after they ate
These hydration breaks remind me of 3rd grade when they wouldn't let us have any water during sports "because it will give you a cramp"
Sick of my turtles kicking the shit out of me and eating all of my pizza
I love being called "honey" or "sweetie" which is why I only hang out in gay bars and southern diners
You ever take a picture of a loved one and think “wow this is a great pic I’ll probably longingly look at this one if anything tragic ever happened to them”?
Honestly, it’s my fault for getting up this morning.
my new-to-gardening uncle has entered his first battle with a raccoon over who can get to the vegetables first my money is on the raccoon
