One time I used a doorless outhouse overlooking a windswept blueberry barren in coastal Maine and I’ve been chasing that high ever since

“I’m Art Garfunkel, welcome to Jackass.”

I dunno, I'd let a few wild horses drag me away

One of the greatest letdowns is when you think you’re about to hear “Werewolves of London” but it’s actually “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock.

I feel like I've waited long enough. I would like my deferred gratification now please.

Give a man a fish and you’ll quickly find out that most men don’t really like to receive seafood as a gift.

A sponge is porous although often mistaken for a dolphin.

That feeling just before they call shirts or skins and you’re wearing a wire for Brad’s mom

Singing “Happy Birthday” to A Horse with No Name and watching the realization on everyone’s faces as we get closer to the end of of the song

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

It isn’t that I don’t do Mondays-Monday just always does me harder, then bums a cigarette afterward and runs off with my lighter.

I started kickboxing because prison doesn’t serve my brand of coffee.

You see, kids, back when fucks were given, their value was appreciated at a premium, but they’ve been devalued so much on an international scale over the last few decades that no one gives them any more. It’s called Macrofuckenomics.

No, I would describe her bitch face as very active. I doubt it ever rests.

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

There are way better reasons to block me besides being on one of those idiotic lists.

Every time I throw something away, I briefly wonder if future archaeologists will love it.

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

I think it’s a rule that you have to be at least 65 to like ham salad.

[ first day as a zookeeper ] psst…hey you, wanna buy a zoo?

*gets caught making stupid faces at baby* what? he started it

my account still has that new post smell

sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my life but then I open bsky and know that I am

a question i've been asking since about 1992 is why do my toes keep getting uglier

dante's 3rd circle of hell: just a bunch of 'ackshually' guys referring to hamburgers as sandwiches

She gave me butterflies on our first date. I put them in a jar but they died

fuck my wheelhouse is full of wheels i was expecting something more useful

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

in case you're wondering why every box of Jell-O products now contain the warning "do not use to build a tower to heaven"

give a man a fish and he’ll selfie with it for dating sites