if you’re trying to pay me in biscoff cookies instead of actual money then congratulations because that is my preferred currency

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

Me: *posts about microwave* Internet stranger: "wow I cant believe you hate single mothers, disabled people, neurodivergant people, the elderly, the- "

I wish I could shazam a smell

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

"Let me collect my thoughts" I say as I walk out the door, never to be heard from again.

Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

saw a license plate that started with CVM which is actually how Ancient Rome spelled cum

I remember running through the wet grass falling a step behind both of us never tiring so I kicked your ankle and the bear got to you first

saw a license plate that started with CVM which is actually how Ancient Rome spelled cum

In heaven you can punch anyone you want in the face

I remember running through the wet grass falling a step behind both of us never tiring so I kicked your ankle and the bear got to you first

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

When I used to hump the wicker chair in my bedroom I didn’t realize it was foreshadowing.

Don't quote me -shitposters on Bluesky

43 is the age I start weaponizing my tears

Hell has open office cubicles and everyone's on speakerphone

Bsky is like the old folks home before the old folks home - sure you shit your pants every now and again but it’s mostly fun and games and not the home they send you to die in which is something

Bsky is like the old folks home before the old folks home - sure you shit your pants every now and again but it’s mostly fun and games and not the home they send you to die in which is something

Life is short, eat the snacks. Tummy aches pass but a fat ass is forever.

he sharehold my value til I market cap

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

bro you should definitely message your high school gf on Facebook out of the blue this is literally never not a good idea

wearing lasagna noodles as bracelets was a fantastic idea, people stop talking to me the second I start eating one off my arm

bro you should definitely message your high school gf on Facebook out of the blue this is literally never not a good idea

wearing lasagna noodles as bracelets was a fantastic idea, people stop talking to me the second I start eating one off my arm