you cannot start a breaking news alert with “A helicopter carrying President Trump” without dumping a gallon of serotonin into my bloodstream. please be more careful with words

Me, wistfully: I just want to be hers Friend: who are you talking about? Me: (was thinking of Patsy from Ab Fab) Me: n…nothing, no one.

Me: I’m going to lose weight! Me: (makes homemade potato salad and fried chicken for dinner) Me: WHY ISNT IT WORKING?

it’s “tell me that you think i’m cool and want to be best friends” wednesday by the way

an elegant arrival

Me talking about crushes and bluh bluh feelings with my buddy Me: I’m sorry, this is sounds like high school bullshit right? Her: yes but I still like you

One hour left at work, AMA! All your burning questions about ME!

A dog will always wanna go out and do stuff with you, but I love how cats are always down when you need to take a sick day. "You're staying in bed today? Hell yeah, I'm in."

If you let your kid chase and scare the birds, I’m gonna chase and scare your kid.

When I can’t hear what someone is saying (they’re in another room or whatever) I’ll say CANT HEAR YOU, PEACH (from finding Nemo) So if I say this to you I’m being hilarious, not cutely calling you Peach.

Boss comes out with an assigned filing calendar bc “no one wants to file on their own initiative” and I’m here like literally no one told me that was part of my job duties.

bought several decorative soaps yesterday, and I feel like a new person

I'm not telling anyone what to do, but please be nice to me, and also bring me a plate of food.

Give a fish a man (the fish is a shark 🙂)

i've never found a suspicious mole, but i do know an evil squirrel 😍🐿️

Person: oh wow cute tote bag! My girlfriend: thanks! It’s how I carry my boyfriend around. He’s 5’5”. Me; (pops my head out) HI!

Really liking my body a lot recently. Weird and unexpected but I’m going with it!!

I love fish and chips. I love it. But. I’ve only ever had it made with the sandbass I caught with my dad at the lake. I can’t eat cod. Ew. So I have to pretend I don’t like fish and chips. 😔

This is in relation to nothing, but to me, a threesome is not an orgy. The minimum requirement of people for an officially recognized orgy is 4. I know nothing about sex. Thank you.

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

I like clams casino a LOT but I don’t like clams any other way. Which makes me worried that I’m not a fancy clams boy, I’m a loser bacon boy.

Can someone buy me a new Shakira “She-Wolf” CD? Mine broke 😞😭

And to the surprise of no one, I forgot to check my weight this morning.

I did try to play Red Dead Redemption 2 but right in the beginning I couldn’t figure out how to get on my horse so I started guessing which button it was and I PUNCHED HER IN THE HEAD!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 haven’t played since.

❄️ Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Wenceslas When the snow lay Wenceslas Crisp and deep and Wenceslas ❄️

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here being a silly little guy

In high school my dad’s house had an in-ground pool so every weekend and every summer we would play Noodle Wars which is when we beat the shit out of each other with pool noodles. It is not for the weak.

I have to use the restroom at work but SOMEONE got poop on the toilet seat and didn’t even try to clean it off. I’m so tired. I need my own special bathroom. Bennys only.

A data center was just shut down in Wisconsin after the town council refused to have private talks with the developer and told them everything would include public approval That’s how it’s done, folks

Got MAJORLY spoiled for a game I haven’t played very much of and I’m so upset about it.