[convenient hand signals to use with your friends at a loud club] ✌️ = two more vomit bags 🤏 = pinch my left moob 🤙 = call your mom for me 🤜 = I’m leaving with a proctologist 🤌 = let’s do gabagool in the bathroom
JB4Realz
@jb4realz.bsky.social
100% Certified Banger Content Just JB4Realz: https://shorturl.at/AneUj
My slutty Ron Howard costume is coming along nicely
After you sneeze, Devil worshippers be like, "Possess you."
My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE
a millionaire? I’ve got two toilets in my house, man. what more could you want
MULDER: I’m telling you boss, it’s real, and we have the proof. SCULLY: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Mulder is telling the truth: we have captured Bigfoot. He’s in the lab right now. KASH PATEL: Is it woke? SCULLY: Director, I don’t — PATEL: Can we say it’s woke? That we caught Woke Bigfoot?
bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine. me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*
"Maybe a little jail time will straighten you out," I grumble as I strap on a knee brace.
date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child. me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*
bully: i'm about to give you a taste of your own medicine. me: way ahead of ya, buddy... *pops a bunch of flintstones vitamins with the wilmas taken out*
interviewer: it says here you're terrible at keeping secrets. me: *letting an actual cat out of an actual bag* it says what now?
date: i love a man who is still in touch with his inner child. me: *pulls out a jar with all of my baby teeth*
Her: Trim your beard! Him: You'd rather I have a bear?
Her: You're sure to get awards for Most Ostentatious Costume and Most Adorned Costume. Him: I seek wins with this sequence of sequins!
welcome back to invisibility class. it's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
i hold the febreze bottle sideways when i want to freshen up the place like a gangsta.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
me: watch this... *places chameleon on my penis* her: what the fuck? chameleon *struggling not to change colors*: yeah, what the actual fuck?
Her: *watching a show that bleeps out cuss words* Him: *hears a bleep* Oooh, someone cussed. Her: Yeah, I got a bleeper for you, too. Him: Lmao, the bleep you did...what the bleep...bleep...oh, this BLEEPin sucks!
*trying to sneeze quietly because you feel you've been blessed enough*
If I ever meet God, I'm going to sneeze, just to see what He says. Uh...I bless you, I guess. IDK, usually others do this for me.
Me, as a doctor: *charging defib paddles to play "Welcome to the Jungle"* Other doctors in the room: Me: What, the patient has a GNR order!
welcome to house hunters. brenda sells novelty keychains on etsy and keith shoots birds at the airport. they have a budget of $475,000.
[inventing fish] GOD: make them so they can’t sit ANGEL: but- GOD: no butts