When I find myself in times of trouble bob the grocer comes to me speaking words of wisdom ᴬᴵˢᴸᴱ ᵀᴴᴿᴱᴱ
"I have a problem with potion control." -fat wizard
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don't already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson 'Count Vacula' HER: I need to see other people.
BREAKING: donald trump has died by quicksand. it got all in his hair and everything
*googles “beginner butt plugs” on your work computer*
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can't because I refuse to slow down on my run]
[Clown School] Teacher: Oh very well done..That nose..Those shoes..The suit..Hilarious Me: i just came to pick up my son
Do NOT practice your sweet yet overly-difficult broadsword moves near a playground. Kids are shit at triage
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
after that ship’s botched launch, Kim Jong Un gave the crew a stern warning . trying to maintain an even keel, he then took a bow please don’t unfollow me i have a family😭
Me: You kids don't know how easy you've got it. When I was your age, we had to flip through drawers of cards to find out if the library even had the book we were looking for, regardless of whether it was checked out. Random kid at the pool: What's a book?
[1513 BC] kid: I don’t have to follow your stupid rules. it’s not like they’re written in stone Moses: what
[hearing police sirens in the distance] omg babe they're playing our song
fool me once, that is IT. i have a zero tolerance fool policy you son of a bitch
DETECTIVE: we need to figure out who committed this murder DEFLECTIVE: I think you did it
[after a truck with a “do not follow” sign pulls in front of me] OH NO
[whenever I see two otters] I wonder if they're brotters
i once got lost between Alaska & Russia cuz i couldn’t get my berings straight . folks,,
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I've snuck back into the zoo
if i'm in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I'm so sorry
Her: You're sure to get awards for Most Ostentatious Costume and Most Adorned Costume. Him: I seek wins with this sequence of sequins!
everyone's fighting a battle at Battle Barn™, the barn for fighting battles in [seven second montage of battles in a barn and the music is actually pretty cool] whatever your battle, Battle Barn™