“Making friends is hard.“ —Dr. Frankenstein

When they're practicing they're called Draft Punk

[Date] Me: I'll take the sirloin please Waiter: And how would you like that? Me: *confidently* delicious

Don't give everyone $5000, the bribes should scale depending on commitment to Trump. Paint your house with a Confederate flag - $10k, tattoo the Donald on your face - $25k, rename your firstborn Donald - $27k

I ate bin sushi and now my tum tum is haunted

[airplane plummeting to earth, passengers screaming] Me: I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU Wife: I’VE BEEN UNHAPPY FOR A REALLY LONG TIME

*throwing up a gang sign* when did I eat that

Heard someone say that reading was their guilty pleasure. What? Reading is a portal to another world. Guilty pleasures are things like sniffing your wife's pants while you knock one out

Saw a woman vacuuming her driveway yesterday

Fixed it

The people behind Duolingo chess know what they're doing: - find the forking square - humiliate my bishop - OH MY G, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CASTLE

If you ask me to perform Riverdance, I will (Michael) Flatley refuse

Me: I'm here for the ass bath Them: you mean ice bath? Me: oh

t.A.U.t sang "all the things she said running through my head". Imagine ALL the things someone said running through your head. That's some kind of Greek God revenge shit

(T.A.T.U. “all the things she said”) omelette things she said omelette things she said imitation egg imitation egg imitation egg ce n’est pas un oeuf

Remember to compliment your fellow locker room inhabitants. For example: "Wow, Brad, that's a mighty fine penis. Hey everyone! Come and look at Brad's penis!" Men. Love. Compliments

Hello? What happened?! Wait, I think you have the wrong number - this is Beverley Hills 90211

Hello? Sorry, who? The Beast? Ah, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number, this is 665

Shout out to all the anti-President songs from before Trump got into office

In the 1990s Right Said Fred topped the charts with their whimsical bop "I'm too sexy". Whilst an entertaining pop song it does little to educate the world about the very real condition of being too sexy that affects me and a handful of other people globally, and the challenges we face day to day

I really don't mind who wins tonight as long as everyone has a nice time and England win

England and Argentina come to an agreement that the winner of their World Cup match will get the Falklands.

I feel sorry for the bees that have to make hot honey.

Have you tried being rich about it?

American politics would be greatly if there were joke candidates. Imagine Trump having to debate a person dressed as Garfield whose primary election promises were free lasagne and a ban on Mondays

Now let's do a silly one - Picasso before every portrait

[first date] Her: So what do you do? Me: I work with explosives Her: Dynamite? Me: Diarrhea

DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

My dad was a poet so I could never really join in when the other boys would argue about whose dad could beat up the other dads, but I was confident that my dad could make your dad feel seen in ways that would quietly devastate him.

Gotta love British politics. Try explaining to a foreigner why the man who was the MP is now standing to be an MP and his opponent is an alien with a bin for a head