realizing half a week later the thing i casually said no to was probably meant to be a date

much like a cat’s purr, a man’s erection was believed to be a display of affection until it was observed they also get boners when they’re injured

Feeling unsure about my night dress because I still want to look hot when the priest watches me floating six inches above my bed 2nite

They should really make a clone of me that will put up with your bullshít

Who up watering their Lithops? Well stop goddammit. It's October. No more water until March.

A family can be three pieces of toast

Tired of struggling, our protagonist leans all the way into his mental illnesses.

Saw you didn't like my castration post, do you hate women or?

Oh Cinnabon it's sweet of you to put two forks in my order but you assumed wrong

I predict that a handjob robot will rip at least one perverts cock off by the end of 2027.

i missed the struggle bus so i had to take a struggle uber

man i just hate it when england experiences good things. luckily it doesn't happen very often.

opening a spirit halloween where my faith in humanity used to be

slash from guns n’ roses appears above my refrigerator and plays a heartbreaking guitar solo as i eat an entire box of powdered sugar donuts in my underwear

my friend is too busy with his girlfriend to use his seahawks season tickets and usually gives them to me, who is not in a relationship. i’m sure there is a lesson to be learned here but i refuse to find out what it is or learn it

your e-mail does not find me well. it finds me like a piece of shit. thanks for bringing it up.

The doctor's office receptionist said "Eat shit & die! Is that all you need? Thank you for calling Vanderbilt!"

Not to get political but being apolitical it's a huge red flag

my father has fallen ill and my siblings and i don't know if we will be able to keep the follow farm open

eating the first pumpkin donut of the season through a long, low continuous growl in case you get any ideas.

Yes your honor, but I didn't shot no deputy

I sent you an intricate daguerreotype of my vulva, please respond

If you have nut, nutted or are nutting already I've got two words for you buddy: the bible

if you attempt to cover "blue (da ba dee)" for any reason i will find you and end your life

this year’s costume is a little more cerebral

there should be a media tab exclusively for people trying to find out if you’re hot

we should each be allowed to turn one (1) obnoxious person into one of those anemones that looks like a hemorrhoid cluster, as a treat

suspending fuel taxes today so your roads and public transportation fall to complete shit over the next five years

once. again. she's not a bog witch. she's a sea witch that got accidentally trapped in a bog. and yes, actually, we are in love.

bitchin corolla