I donated my body to science but science regifted it to science fiction.
The human body is truly a complex and wondrous thing, who’d have thought that one day I’d find my whole body could be wracked with pain following a solitary sneeze.
After Ernie left, Bert’s life became an amphetamine-fueled whirlwind of after-hours parties, drunken Grindr hook-ups, and multiple arrests for public indecency, finally ending in a stay at the Betty Ford Clinic for “exhaustion” and his membership in the Church of Scientology.
genie: and for your third wish? me: i dunno, i guess it might be nice to only have to go pee twice during the night
This day in history. 1757. English poet Christopher Smart, also known as Mrs Mary Midnight, Ebenezer Pentweazle, and Freddie Two-Barns Burnett, was committed to an insane asylum by his father-in-law for being alarmingly religious.
interviewer: how are your listening skills? me: absolutely
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."
When you have to choose between making that Death Star payment or going to the dentist
My wife and I settle our biggest arguments the traditional way. Thumb wars.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
the wordle yesterday was drunk and it took me 6 rums to get it but i got the wordle in 3
“I’m not one to judge” TRANSLATION: Here comes the judgy part!
judge: how do you plead? me: well, I can't speak for the defendant but— judge: of course you can, you’re his attorney me: well in that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
This day in history. 1945. Hermann Göring sent Hitler a telegram stating that he Göring was prepared to take over for him Hitler if he Hitler was incapacitated. This made Hitler so angry that he ordered a halt to all work on the Adolf and Eva Hitler Ballroom then being built above the Führerbunker.
This day in history. 1906. The Intercalated Games opened in Athens. Catchy title I think the same people named the Quadruple Four Quartet.
[having the birds & bees talk with 13] Well son, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and bees have the best knees!
It’s Earth Day… Hug a tree! - Text the tree the next day. - Start hugging the tree regularly. - Meet the tree’s parents. - Move in with the tree. - Marry the tree. - Stop hugging the tree. - Grow apart from the tree. - Start hugging other trees. - Divorce the tree. - Die alone.
phht. every action hero digs out a bullet. show me one digging out an ingrown toenail
Milk will be $4 a gallon if they ever close the Strait of Hormoos. No YOU shut up!
me: jesus said you have to forgive your debtors bank manager: no me: I’m calling the pope
Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.