“Nobody’s going anywhere until you two work this out.”

97¢ is a good price, but I’m not sure how much is left on the roll at home.

Cats are great because their love is unconditional as long as you feed them and clean their litter and pet them and leave them alone.

I walk into a restaurant and the waiter who grated my parmesan the last time throws his apron on the floor and immediately quits.

This day in history. 2001. In a Protestant area of Belfast Ulster loyalists resumed their menacing of students and parents at Holy Cross Catholic primary school for girls. Asked why they didn't picket at St Patrick's College instead, one loyalist said "Doze lads are awl boxers do yis tink I'm mad?"

Maintenance, Scheduled Maintenance.

*saves an article, thus ensuring I will never see it again*

omg how do they know

One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re making a sour face and shaking your head when a car with a loud engine drives by.

She couldn't resist the stranger's dangling participle. In the end though, he left her with a broken hyphen and a missed period.

grammar was more important in the days of you’re

This day in history. 44 BC. The first of Cicero's 14 oratories on Mark Antony: how did Antony play so much stickball with bone spurs, why did he spend so much time sailing with his scribe Natalia, why wasn't his son Baronus fighting in the war in Persia, and why was his wife living with gladiators.

Remember when grammar nazis were more prevalent on social media than actual nazis?

Midwest bdsm goes hard

OH. COME. ON.

Good omens: Ducks Airplanes flying tilted up Kei trucks A single star to wish on A toddler wearing snow boots in July Bad omens: Helicopters A rock hitting your windshield Cybertrucks The worst omens: The orange Cybertruck The matte black Cybertruck The lime green Cybertruck

Hey kids, come check out all these *suddenly forgets the word 'magpies'*...orca chickens

*mouth full of skittles* there’s a tofu recall

Although they abolished capital punishment in 1975, until that point, Canada’s “smothering by puppies” method of execution had long been considered the most humane.

“I’ve been trying to catch your eye” said the evil fisherman.

they should take a moment to call their loved ones

Me: I don’t understand why my cat likes playing with the laser pointer. She never catches the laser, but she keeps on playing. Also me: *buys lottery ticket*

Narcissists come closest to polyamory when they’re standing in front of a 3-way mirror.

everybody had their dumb ideas, but alex knew there was only one way to catch a gator

Me: I wish you speed, sir. Him: Don’t you mean godspeed? Me: No, I’m an atheist.

when mom catches your sibling doing something stupid and you had absolutely nothing to do with it

Her: I said we need to catch up. Me: …Oh. *slowly loads pallet of ketchup bottles back into truck*

"I know I couldn't get away with that now, but this was over two hundred years ago." "BUT YOU SAID IT JUST NOW."

Cookie Monster stood at the railing, fighting to catch his breath. That little guy had put up one hell of a fight. He leaned over and looked down. It was easily a hundred foot drop, but he couldn’t shake the paranoia. He had to go down there and make sure Elmo was really dead.

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