breakfast is the most important meal of the afternoon

All I'm saying is there are no donut parasites

I worry about couples who wear matching shirts, like blink twice if you need help

You can push a watermelon around in a stroller and no one can stop you.

making shit up is hard I don’t know how liars do it

I always drive 🚗 my own car in case I have a mood swing and need to leave

I should probably eat all of this ice cream now so I dont eat the rest of it later

One nice thing about knowing nobody gives a shit about you is you can cut your own hair with zero concern about whether you fuck it up or not.

Don’t expect the world to stop dead in its tracks for you, and you won’t get fucked up

Let’s have a bsky lap dance contest

Email from my Bank, who can see my account balance: hey do you want to buy a boat

Remembering Prince on his day of birth.... (June 7, 1958 – April 21, 2016) #PrinceDay #Prince4Ever 🕊💜💜💜💜🕊 "Every day I feel is a blessing from God. And I consider it a new beginning. Yeah, everything is beautiful."- Prince

Sorry I cant go... I have to be at home & be overwhelmed by nothing

Don’t insult a boomerang. They’ve always gotta come back.

waking up to the smell of bacon counts as aroma therapy

Some people just throwing on sandals ain't clipped ya big toe or NOTHIN🫣

let’s go on a date, I’ll meet you by the sewer and I’ll be the one with the red balloon

Gas so high, my mailman is working from home. He just called and read my bills to me😏

sorry for my bad mood earlier but my vibrator died this morning

I don't like walking past geese because you never know what their intentions truly are

But does the Hulk *feel* Incredible?

I all for going to bed an hour earlier. It's this getting up an hour earlier that bothers me.

Half an egg in the morning, half an apple in the afternoon, and half the refrigerator at night

I wish i had SpongeBob's energy.. That boy was ALWAYS ready for work😊

This tire is like my dad. Deflated and impossible to change.

I know alot of jokes about retired people..but none of them work😅

I have no complaints about the dancers

Reminder, have sex with your wife.

Training new employees is tough because you have to remember the real rules..not the ones you've invented😅

Went to Walmart for deodorant...spent $278.16 forgot the deodorant 😳