Lollygagging sounds way more perverted than it is

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic? Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party. Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

if someones child is crying in public it means their bloodline is weak and you are right to mug them

Baja Sur Mexico - desert blooms #TravelPhotography #AlphabetChallenge #WeekEforEphemeral

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

What the heck? Asking for a friend

Downplay a book or a movie: The Sound and the Bother

✫✫LVN✫✫@urbanaudacity.blacksky.app · 3d ago

Downplay a book or movie: Toy Summary

Cocoons laid on the back of a doomed tomato hornworm. The hatched larvae will eat the caterpillar from the inside out, preventing it from eating your tomatoes. Hellyeah, organic gardening. How YOU doin

I’m currently watching my husband fold laundry and I’m trying not to tell him that he’s doing it wrong because I don’t want to sound ungrateful but omfggivemethatfuckingtowel

give a man a fish and he'll look at you suspiciously and ask what happened to the chips

Cop: any illegal drugs on you? Me: what state am i in?

if god intended for women to remain fertile this late in life, the least she could've done is give us a penis

I've been screaming into a different abyss.

Them: What’s wrong? Me: How did they do the Jamiroquai Video man? I still don’t get it .

Good thing, I can find humor in everything and be easily entertained just sitting and watching absolute unhinged bullshit.

he asked me to share my screen, then judged my tabs. i think tomorrow im gonna ask to see photos of his kids.

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

I made a joke to one of my employees about something that ‘actually is a real example of irony, Alanis’ but he just looked at me blankly, so for making me feel so old and out of touch there’s someone who ironically won’t be getting a promotion any time soon.

Standing up swaying on the bus with music in my ears and *whispers* Nobody Knows I'm Dancing

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

Don’t talk to me until my pills kick in. *10 minutes later* I’M A UNICORN!!! Ok, we’re good now.

My kids answering my texts right away Omg is this an omen?

Some hugs speak a language words never could. You can feel them exhale into your arms, their walls softening, their body finally believing it's safe. It's beautiful, and heartbreaking all at once, because you suddenly understand how long they've been carrying everything alone.

Calling in disillusioned this morning

just saw an ad that a local casino is giving away a 1989 camaro iroc z and i’m guessing they just went to mi and stole it outta your stepdads yard

I’ll admit I have virtually zero “gaydar” and I’d be clueless if you were super wasted in my living room but I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that Max Miller is a fuckin piece of shit

(I know that's an old thought but it's been a long day and I'm too tired to have new thoughts.)

Eating a package of ham at my desk like a caveman. It really does help make sure my coworkers are scared of me. “Oh that’s Susan. Don’t bother her during her ham time.”