Live, laugh, don't be an ass

I'm really impressed you can still bend over with a stick that far up your ass.

I love ending incredibly aggressive emails with "Yours in Christ."

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

Why are you in my DMs with a fresh ass newborn

My personality is nothing but cheese and pickles at this point.

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

"Let me collect my thoughts" I say as I walk out the door, never to be heard from again.

Don’t let me down

Have a good day, friends...

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

precious memories of you pressed between my pages

If you're gonna hold me, don't you hold back

tell me you'll love me forever even if it's not true

had a Bluesky dream, so this has been fun guys but

I could never be batman, for soo many reasons

You can name it then 😆🤙

adhders: “anyway, short story long,”

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

I don't want to jinx it but I'm only 3 nights away from setting my personal record of consecutive "good night's sleep". Current record is 2 nights.

I'm too tired to be cute, someone else do it

On a quest to find bacon scented perfume.

Let it go? I think not, I will be taking these grudges with me to hell.

Hmmm, it's Tuesday, if I skip out on this town hall, I can start walking and make it to the ocean by Friday.

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here being a silly little guy

I started kickboxing because prison doesn’t serve my brand of coffee.

Here.