It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

i just got done swimming. you’re god damn right i want some potato chips on my sammich

At least I enjoy my own company

bro you should definitely message your high school gf on Facebook out of the blue this is literally never not a good idea

I’m pretty sure some of you are actually insane.

My cursed amulet stays on during sex. (Me, flirting)

really didn't intend to go all princess bride on you, but as you wish

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

😂

unfortunately that’s the way the joint by the ocean burns

how much weed would a puffer fish puff if a puffer fish would puff weed

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

at the end of the day, i just want someone to smoke blunts and stare at the stars with

dumplings sound like cute little baby poops

Cop: any illegal drugs on you? Me: what state am i in?

I’m not religious but I do believe in signs from the universe

it's not why *everything* sucks, but having all three branches of the federal government captured by thieves, abusers, bigots, and cowards is definitely why a lot of things suck

unfortunately a lobotomy is the only way you can get a country song out of your head

sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my life but then I open bsky and know that I am

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m not good at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Son: how’d you get your shoulders so big? Me: years and years of shrugging

fuck it, im on vacation

I’m a man of a certain age so I don’t have spa days. I just hang out in random diners while I get my oil changed.

wake up babe garfield hair bonnet dropped

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing, and never came back

whenever someone says indubitably, you have to smoke two doobies

Working at a thrift store is so fun.. I just take all of the things in my house that piss me off to work and they dissappear forever😀

Them: im built different Me: have you tried resetting your factory settings?

i have received a very important message