Answering all my doctor's questions with "that's a great question"

Someone at my work just made a suicide prevention powerpoint. It's in comic fucking sans

She was rare, like a goth snorkeling.

PETER GABRIEL: shock the monkey ZOOKEEPER: absolutely not

If my cat could lift up his own bag of food, he'd just tell me to fuck right off.

Remember disposable income? Those were good times.

If you eat an entire ice cream sandwich in one bite, you are entitled to another for which the same rule applies.

Low key, I am convinced there are some website that have this.

Kalvin the Reindeer@kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · 4d ago

Passwords should have a “close enough” feature.

The digital equivalent of "It's me, dumbass, just open the door!"

Kalvin the Reindeer@kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · 4d ago

Passwords should have a “close enough” feature.

I recently won the Nobel prize for samurai swords.

Girl, are you a dinosaur because Jurassissic.

hey nice terms of service you’ve got there, they look updated as hell

tuesday cosplaying as monday is such a dick move

Passwords should have a “close enough” feature.

I only want to work hard enough to deserve an ice cream sandwich.

Do not go willy into that good nilly

logging on and making my brain your problem

[dinner party] FRIEND: *accepting a sheet of paper from me* what's this? ME: it’s my updated terms of use FRIEND: it just says 'leave early' Me: click to consent

ZOOKEEPER: Eagles can actually swoop down and pick fish directly out of the water ME: *way too loud* They're so talonted ZOOKEEPER: *tazing me* How did you get back in here

Welcome to Billionaires Club. Please take someone else's seat.

In a parallel world kids are still making mixtapes off the radio and that world is better than ours.

Got the birds in my neighborhood their own phones so that they’d stay in bed a little longer.

I think my cats are upset because I only feed them every time they ask.

who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now

ROSE: i love you JACK: i adore you ROSE: a door lol JACK: *going under* lol

ME: Can I pet your dog? STRANGER: sure ME: one more time STRANGER: ok ME: again STRANGER: um ME: pet pet STRANGER: we have to go ME: mine

Dads Driving U-Hauls Poorly Dot Com

I'm moving my son to university so please be extra funny today to cheer me up.

if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them