Showing my goth cat autopsy photos to win his love back.
THE Burger King
@aburgeraday.bsky.social
Semi-talented mimic. That cargo space guy.
"The world is a vampire..." This is a ball pit, Billy. "Secret destroyers..." Just kids, Billy. "I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE!" Touché.
How to enjoy a staff meeting: 1. Stop listening. 2. Imagine you’re down at Fraggle Rock.
This appears to be a long document. Save time by reading a summary from a piece-of-shit can’t-trust-it machine
Looking forward to having to make a cost-benefit analysis on whether to pay for a gallon of gas or a roll of toilet paper.
Can we just skip to the "soylent green is people" part already?
If a baby hands you a toy telephone to answer, that's a sign of great respect in their culture.
ME: *holds ‘em* KENNY ROGERS: not yet ME: *folds ‘em* KENNY ROGERS: too soon ME: *starts to walk away* KENNY ROGERS: *pulls out gun* ME: *runs*
I lied. There’s no sex. Get dressed, we have to find the Ark of the Covenant
Damon Lindelof in every writers room: What if we killed off the main character?
COSTCO: here, try this ME: oh yummy COSTCO: so you like it? ME: yes, it's delicious COSTCO: well, we don’t sell it anymore and you'll never see it again.
I cut my dryer sheets in half. I'm pretty sure this is how Warren Buffett saved his first million.
It’s the dog days of summer and that dog is Cerberus.
You either die a hero or live long enough to see “The Sign” by Ace of Base used in a gas pill ad
I won't even begin to take your on-the-spot news tiktok seriously if your tiny microphone doesn't have a cute fuzzy pop filter.
"I- I'm so sorry! That's never happened before!" Peter Parker stammers as he futilely tries to pull his web-encrusted hands from MJ's chest.
Harry Osborn: *falls out of tree* Peter Parker: Did you see her? Did you see MJ? Harry: I spied her, man! Peter: 💡
one of the things I miss most about living with someone is asking them to bring me something from the other room
[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose
Orc: The Uruk-Hai are ready, my lord. Saruman (played by Billy Crystal): U-RUK MAHVELOUS!
Easy money hack: because a car loses 15% of its value the moment you drive it off the lot, just don't. Only drive the car in circles around the lot, without ever leaving. Take up residence in one of the dealership's back offices. Start dating Tina from the sales desk. Boom, 15% saved, you're welcome
Still can't believe that for the first 50 years of television, we were wasting our time watching the fake housewives of various cities.
who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now
Person who has never seen a Christopher Nolan film: I'm not going to see The Odyssey because it's woke.