@smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social
A caffeine based life form whose blood pressure has returned to normal since retiring from teaching middle school. I think dogs are awesome, and I try to laugh as things go, because before you know it, it's c-pap machines, night guards & compression socks.
Trade in your MAGA hat for a free side at Cracker Barrel
Bottom completely fell out for Rs and they still win Florida, I'm sorry that state must be ejected into space
![When u text someone & 15 seconds later your phone starts ringing
[for fuck's sake]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:dbzmdmsaz6lkhb4tv3culzme/bafkreiajjhx5h2fcowpqeecq7wop26mbaljibkskgriup4vor7yoc4sxnu)
I hope all the trick or treaters were happy with their scoop of egg salad in their buckets last night.
Every year about this time, Leonard and Estelle went to go stay with her sister Carol in Toronto until the heat died down.
I think Clearasil is a pretty name for a girl.
A girl asked me the other day what I thought Taylor’s best album was and I said Sweet Baby James so just go ahead and mail me the fucking AARP magazine already
Please don’t take me seriously. I’m a weatherbeaten shovel handle that’s been leaning on a fence rail for the last 30 years
The BMI chart indicates that I am obese. So I did what any reasonable person would do. I threw out the chart...and ate a bagel...with cream cheese. And maybe some Halloween candy for good measure.
'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my treehouse door." Quoth the Piglet, "It's Eeyore!" - Edgar Allan Pooh
“I see the problem.” “Yeah?” “This is Maple Street.” “Isn’t that what it says?” “You want Maple AVENUE.” “Sorry, I’m covering for Dan.” “Is Dan okay?” “Shingles.” “That’s a shame.” “I’m Jill, by the way.” “Where are my manners, I’m Ted.” “Nice to meet you, Ted.” “You too, Jill.”
Getting older means your arm has to be in the right position when you go to bed if you want to use it tomorrow.
99% of us are having a hard time right now so please remember: if you see someone stealing food— no you fucking didn’t
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Some pictures don't need words. They just make your heart happy.
Halloween from Down Under I love Kangaroos Just had to share (sound up) 🎃🤣
Whenever someone is talking to me I always make the correct amount of eye contact and blink a normal number of times and nod every 3.52 seconds to demonstrate that I am listening while the actual content of their words washes over me like a summer rain