Can you get stuck inside a revolving door metaphor? Everybody going in and out of my life affects me with just one sentiment "you never whoosh anymore why did you stop whooshing"

If you waited until now to finally kill your television it's retro kitsch counterculture and it's so cute on a gasoline converted little e-Vespa

me, gently placing my hand on my friend’s shoulder & looking him directly in the eyes: i changed my mind, i do not wish to hear any more of your poetry.

*i gently put my hand on my friend’s shoulder & look him dead in the eyes* thank you, but i will not be attending your cat’s birthday party.

been down one time shame on me, been down two times i'm never going back again

i arranged the instrumental for this like 6 months ago and i can almost play it now danny's song

(medical examiner school) teacher: okay class let's make sure every page is on the same body

Yesterday at the doctor, the girl at the front desk asked if I could print out some past results to give them and I said "no I don't have my printer with me" and she didn't even react

Christening a baby is nothing like christening a ship. I know that now. Once again I can only apologise.

This is the time in the evening where I like to play a little game in the kitchen called What else we got?

calling in sick to the kickflip factory and confusing everyone as to whether i'm coming in or not

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it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between who’s kidding and who’s stupid

James Dean was in three movies. Three. None of them were great. You guys can try to build your legacies through a lifetime of meaningful achievements if you want. I’m going to continue focusing on what really matters: looking awesome

It’s okay if not everyone procreates. Like really okay. Like really really really okay.

LOS ANGELES! Come see the hilarious Nick Leonard (a close personal husband of mine) and other cut-ups doing Improv! WARNING: Only for people who like enjoyment. Do it for yourself. You deserve good thing

Nick Leonard @nickdammit.bsky.social · 2w ago

Only two weeks away! Grab your tickets for a night of fresh and funny comedy from our Improv Lab, a hilarious cast from the Groundlings School! Directed by Kevin Berntson! Monday Sept. 21, 7:30 at the Gary Austin Theater! Just Five Bucks Yo!! purchase.groundlings.com/17878/18814

I posted this on IG and it made me lol v hard so now I’m posting it here

me, coming out of my cage and doing just fine

Reconsidering every decision I’ve ever made since 1997 while waiting for my nighttime tea to steep.

But if all cities have people— and therefore holes, how can one be holier? A hole is the inverse and we're all un together

Sometimes you spin the lazy susan and it comes up olives

Singles in your area are gathering ominously under your porch

the elephant in the room doesn’t want to talk about you either

How did you get past my squirrel army?

Viktor Winetrout@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 11h ago

[pushing buttons on the hadron collider tour] What do these do

Doing a victory lap as the 2,387th shitposter of Bluesky.

I’m a lot like Billy the Kid in the sense that Emilio Estevez would also play me in a movie about my life

Oh vacant stare, you take it all in with so little. Do you look past what's happening or do you wait for it to catch up. Me, I've already looked at everything, backwards and forwards. Why do pause buttons get reincarnated anyway, wow a new pause

My identity is intertwined with the Frontline and with the helping hands. My role isn't in the middle, I've never been one to dish it out too efficiently. That's okay, I have a submarine man to take care of that for me

Bro, did you even read the compendium of cursed knowledge

The thought of necrophilia horrifies me. Can you imagine all that digging