I wish I could shazam a smell

mr beast breaks world record for "most glass hearts shattered via giant slingshot on online stream in riyadh saudi arabia"

only the smartest 1% of intellectual nerds will get this: 80085

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

Let my tombstone read as follows: It's not that serious

I relate to gravel because it's just thousands of tiny, fragmented pieces trying to hold a boundary, but the second anyone walks over it, everything shifts uncomfortably.

Gonna start commenting on my own posts "let her cook"

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

I like to walk around restaurants and ask people if I can get them anything. I call it waiter-cucking

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

saw a license plate that started with CVM which is actually how Ancient Rome spelled cum

cashews are the shrimps of nuts pistachios are the clams of nuts

Filling my shotgun shells with Skittles™ Taste the Rainbow, motherfucker🌈🔫

So, the other day a coworker guessed my astrological sun sign and I lowkey felt judged.

[Me trying to one-up Olivia Coleman] Oh him? He’s my husband… Rattan Man

A Fiat Topolino and a wicker husband would fix me

Vibe shifted with my doctor when I said I was up to 2 packs a day. Only got worse when he found out I meant hotdogs

“A real friend would be more supportive” I whined resentfully to my imaginary friend.

Hollywood has yet to properly fake eye boogers.

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Microsoft Edge: do you want to make me your default browser? Me: oh, uh, I mean everything was fine and you seem perfectly nice but this was more of a one time thing, I’m actually using another browser consistently right now and want to see where that goes

I’m not for everyone and by that I mean that I am almost universally insufferable

Shriveling into a long-pig jerky stick to spite everyone telling me to stay hydrated today.

I’m developing a new search engine it won’t return slop or snitch you out to the fbi it’s called FuckFuckNo

Oh, you have a baby on board? Well mine was elected board chairman.

My brain is a machine that converts awkward conversational silences into wildly out of context statements

This email could have been a Google search.

[flashlight under chin] And if you *could* kill a ghost, it would just become… a DOUBLE ghost

**eating a croissant layer by layer to stave off the impulse of sunburn blister peeling