In bed at 8, not too shabby.

Love having independent children until THEY DON’T RETURN MY TEXTS.

I tip $20 extra if the priest keeps the mass under 45 minutes.

I was social and charming all day, I’m exhausted.

Not sure if I am antisocial or just that everyone I meet is super weird.

You can see that hurricane from space and I’m pretty sure you can see the bags under my eyes too.

I have an addictive personality but I guess healthy living/working out are immune to this disorder.

A little neglect leads to independent children.

Chatted with the neighbors today or as I like to call it- self destructive behavior.

Remember when we used to go out at 9 or 10 to party on a Saturday night and be out all night? I just had a glass of wine with dinner. Goodnight. 🥱

Wisdom and grace won't save you. Here is a sledgehammer.

This has been almost a perfect day (except for the college football bets)

If I pass you on the right you should go straight to jail

I’m not drunk she said drunkly

Weird dog on the golf course.

Morning coffee on the porch.

I feel like if i opened my DMs, you guys would share your opinions with me, but I don’t care about your opinions.

Just got back from the bar. It was to drop off my daughter’s ID but still counts as socializing.

Starting a 2.5 hour movie at 9pm is as optimistic as I get.

My life crisis is mid.

[during sex] Me: what's wrong honey, you seem distracted Her: [solving rubik's cube]

Put my phone down all day and you’d a thought I took Ritalin, with all I accomplished

Haven’t put on shoes all day so yeah pretty good Sunday.

It was a nice day inside today

Sex with a group of people is just a smorgasborgy

Part of our morning routine is telling each other how many times during the night that we had to nudge them to stop them from snoring. But it's not a contest.

#Repost pearlmania500 On the day she died, Dolly Parton sent us a reminder that she wasn’t a billionaire. 📚📚📚 (And she CHOSE not to be)

I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my husband looks about 5 months along and the suspense is killing me

Gonna try and repair the clothes dryer early tomorrow so I can go get a new dryer by the close of business.

*seductively peeling off my crest whitestrips* hey sailor