It's peculiar how many heroic people there are in the movies compared to real life. Real people are very interested in not getting killed.

I generally think I’m mature and grown-up but I was going through old stuff and I did rip up every picture of a particular person who hurt me. Closure, baby.

me, giving a speech at my friend’s wedding: please don’t let my joyless existence have a negative effect on this special occasion. it’s not about me, it’s about you two. nothing’s a mistake if nothing matters, right?

Cocoons laid on the back of a doomed tomato hornworm. The hatched larvae will eat the caterpillar from the inside out, preventing it from eating your tomatoes. Hellyeah, organic gardening. How YOU doin

thinking about transitioning careers from administrative work to some kind of fog or mist that hangs over the fens

Mike's Hard Conversation With Your Kids About Why Mommy is Never Coming Home

your neighbor could be a demon your neighbor could be connected by a series of roots to a large eye in your wall your neighbor might be crouched outside your door right now naked and hungry

getting embarrassed, putting my hands in my pockets and turning to look off into the horizon as my calvary charge fails

You are no true woodsman

hey can i hold onto that pressure washer for a second i promise not to spray it directly into my eyes

whoa did you just pick the greater of two evils? not cool man

sorry I can’t tonight, I’m crawling into the soft hollow of a fig and laying all my eggs and dying

ask your doctor if daily ritual bloodletting is right for you

sometimes i will laugh at a geography joke in a show that i absolutely do not understand

look i know it’s weird that everyone who goes out to hunt with me goes missing but the rest of you want to keep eating right

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

A slo-motion clip of an out of focus twinkling star named Arcturus through my scope tonight

onf: something (or someone) that's so proportionately both on and off that it can't be either or neither

I got a new purse. It only has a single compartment that everything goes into. I think I’ve solved every problem in my life. 

Son: how’d you get your shoulders so big? Me: years and years of shrugging

thinking about making videos of myself walking around my house while nibbling on cold cheese sandwiches like a rodent

Cop: any illegal drugs on you? Me: what state am i in?

keep not using those things like i have for all the years of my life til now? it’ll be hard but i can do it dexterously

Ayo@darrylayo.bsky.social · 19h ago

Guys like this don’t realize that they are the freak

I think it’s high time that cats earn their driver’s licenses

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

"Get out of your comfort zone". Bold of you to assume I have ever been comfortable in my life.

we're all just weaker gorillers

never want to pack again for a trip want to arrive at my destination naked like the terminator t-800 then confront a small group of punks near the griffith observatory and take their clothes

from now on calling spongebob SBSP like he’s a crown prince of a petro state