they find a hermit crab living in trash and it’s nEwS meanwhile I’ve been living in trash for years and no one has ever done a story about me

a short skirt and a loooooooooong hot dog

I learned early on to ignore good advice.

The problem with dealing with people in real life is you cant easily block them like you can on Bluesky.

…and it was at that point I pooped myself, your honor

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

Baby owls can’t fly properly until they’re nearly 10 weeks old, which you’d know too if you thought about anyone else but yourself, you selfish piece of shit.

Oh, you have a baby on board? Well mine was elected board chairman.

Alien: greetings earthling Me: hey Alien: are you not amazed, stunned, and in awe of us? Me: look, I've got a lot going on rn

One time on LSD my penis looked me dead in the eye and told me her name was Sheila and she’d really appreciate it if I brought her to Lilith Fair.

What do you do with bones of your hotdogs when you filet them?

There are two kinds of people on the highway: those who should live and those who should die. I am The Decider.

i got into journalism for one reason and one reason only: to write stories that would make readers accidentally click a link to open the booking dot com’s app yes it would take them away from the story. that’s what journalism *is*

When the clock struck midnight, she fled down the palace steps, leaving behind only one black sock and camo color Croc.

"Be sure to take a 'Your Number 2 is Our Number 1' novelty foam hand!"—my proctologist's receptionist reminds me as I leave

angel on one shoulder: it’s time to go to work devil on the other: no stay in bed yoda on my back: get up, crushing me you are

Not going anywhere fast, except to the Big O Tires, where Gary spends his last day in the desert staring at an out-of-order coffee maker.

Scattered my dad’s ashes at Home Depot

Never forget who makes the rocking world go round.

Uncrustables™ is more than just a product. it's a philosophy. Be uncrustable. Live uncrustably.

I'm a 10, but in binary.

Making Brad Dourif my emergency medical contact, Brad Dourif will make sure I'm taken care of

Build a bunker under your house to hide your redacted files

I have angered the old gods (tummy horts)

when you ♥️ a skeet thinking it's satirical and then realize it's not

Atl Chain Snatch Incident

Alt: man ripping a necklace from a woman's neck

static.klipy.com

my mom will go from sending facebook messages one week to texting or signal chat for the next then SURPRISE now it’s email and I need this woman to pick a damn lane

Find the 5 words from your birth year that perfectly describe your vibe (better yet, I'll use them all in a sentence): the CRYPTID with BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS paused her BREAKDANCE to go DUMPSTER DIVING for some GUAC

Cosmic Clau@cosmicclau.bsky.social · 4d ago

Find the 5 words from your birth year that perfectly describe your vibe: big crunch cringeworthy head rush paroxetine whizzy

imagine being mad at me and I'm just over here trying to catch bubbles with my mouth

at night they used to just stop playing things on the TV. they’d play the national anthem over a shot of the flag and then it would just be snow until morning… grandchild: OK sure grandma lets get you back to bed