I like my man like my butter. Whipped.

go big and go home are your options only if you made the mistake of leaving home in the first place

Name that tune but for social anxieties

Of course I knew better, that is an essential ingredient for making a bad decision

slutty ghosts wear fitted sheets

A drivers license but for Costco carts

I dropped a bucket of mixtapes on the porch, please only take one each

The Mrs: If you love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups so much, why don’t you marry— Me: [leaving a me-sized hole in the wall as I race off to the city courthouse]

Handing out spiked drinks to the parents and saying it’s actually a curse called horchata

please form one line in front of the door and hold out your hands each trick or treater will receive one scoop of mashed potatoes and one ladleful of gravy no need for pushy-shovesies, there's plenty to go around

I'm like Casper the Friendly Ghost -super pale -childish -more popular in the 90s

Wilford Brimley is disappointed in the amount of candy you ate yesterday

"NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!" my children yell at me.

*Smacks candy out of kid's hand* OMG DON'T EAT THAT -Why, is it poisoned?! Twizzler?? Gross.

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

For the amount of times that song has been stuck in my head the Honmoon is so sealed, a Spirit Halloween has taken over

My husband bought a giant Costco size bag of sugary candy for Halloween instead the chocolatey bag... Why does he hate me so much?!

"Love your creepy Halloween pic" "That's my regular face."

If I was a witch, I'd curse you to have neighbors who hand out pencils for Halloween.

Once upon a time, there was an evil witch who ate all of your Halloween candy (kids crying) ...it wasn't me...

Naked & Afraid, but it's just me in the doctor's office waiting on my colonoscopy

Her: Guys think- Me: Lemme stop you right there.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt. Witches love that.

Clear your brain's cache for optimal functioning

my doorbell’s been broken for 23 years . happy halloween, idiots 👻

THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD CONSPIRED TO GIVE YOU ROCKS, CHARLIE BROWN

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

If you won't let her devour your soul, then she'll find someone who will

Sorry, I'm out of candy, but would you kids like to hear me read “The Hollow Men” by T.S. Eliot?

In honor of Sir Patrick Stewart I shall be getting slightly more bald today.