The reason Spider-Man got divorced in the comics because Mary-Jane was sick of him carefully avoiding her while making his courtship dance

#DubiousNerdFacts

New idea just dropped: a cat library. Like a cat cafe, but with books. Read your library book with a cat in your lap.

The older I get the more I understand why cats just walk away mid conversation.

I wish I could shazam a smell

Wip of ~him~

You should get a book, lots of people like books. www.smashwords.com/b...

The aliens want to come down and meet us, but they heard that our mothers will reject us if they can smell X'glzrx on us.

I use walking my dog as an excuse to get more exercise in. However, my dog is a senior so he loses steam pretty quickly and then I end up relaxing with him on the couch instead

Leftist bar having trouble recruiting, retaining right wing customers, reports new owner

We keep calling them “Data centers” but I’m getting real Lore vibes from all of this

Aren’t we due for some kind of weird Nathan Fielder experiment

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

Someone at the election site was telling people about an upcoming recall election. My wife: what did this guy do? Recall worker: he covered the golf course with solar panels 😡 My wife: holy shit this guy sounds awesome, can we get him to do that to all the other ones?

The barista asked my name and then "...where do I know you from?" Me, never having interacted with him a day in my life thinking "oh shit, they're onto me”

I understand that when soulslikes do the whole "the Golden Age was a self-serving lie, the Kingdom has always been as rotten as it is now" thing they mean societally, but sometimes I like to imagine they mean it, like, physically. The Guardian of the Realm has always been a nine foot tall horsedog.

not enough people named Meriwether these days

I practice pollyannamory

Printing baby animals on large canvas and calling them Awe-nings

One way to show people that you're doing well, you're thriving, is to challenge strangers to jiu jitsu fights if you think that they think you're fat

The best part about voting on local ballot measures is that no one else shows up and you become the sole arbiter of municipal policy

Succotash is the root of all suffering

I’m here, I’m queer, I’m in a bad mood, I want to yell, I love cheese enchiladas, my cat is better than your cat, who left the pipe bomb at DNC HQ,

My conspiracy theory is that Taylor Swift got married so that she can up the ante on her breakup songs.

Life is short, eat the snacks. Tummy aches pass but a fat ass is forever.

i named my play Extended Another Week and now i'm trapped in the theater

I feel like being extremely online can warp your brain and make you behave in really narcissistic or paranoid ways. I’ve seen it, and I’ve gone through it a bit myself. What’s important is you remember who you actually are deep down. In my case, this is pretty much it.