if you’re in line to stay in line, STAY IN LINE

i carry around a calculator so in the event of a disaster i can be confident in the aftermath

grocery store prices got me fixing peanut butter or jelly sandwiches

were the hitler youth obsessed with Mein Kraft

wake up babe garfield hair bonnet dropped

hey can i hold onto that pressure washer for a second i promise not to spray it directly into my eyes

i have received a very important message

Sumo rough housing

public libraries ftw

the CB radio stays ON during sex

did i apologize? no. but was i the real victim?? also no. NEVERTHELESS, in any case

sumo wrestling implies the existence of sumo cuddling

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

Me: *holding my first baby moments after he was born* My brother: well, how does it feel? Me: duh, with its hands, just like us

the cool thing about graffiti is it clearly demonstrates there are both type A and type ADHD vandals

give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day teach a man to fish and he'll ask ChatGPT to catch him a fish and then scroll on his phone

i miss when the internet was too hard for dumb people

sorry to announce this account is owned by private equity now and the quality of my posts will get even worse

Get in, loser. I forgot where I’m going. Get in, loser.

Welcome to middle age. You now have a special space between your teeth that can fit an entire meal

[showing up with melted chocolate ice cream all over my face] hey sorry I’m late traffic was so so bad

checking the tracking on my cashew order is technically post nut clarity

[realizing how fucked up my life is as i eat a mcgriddle with cheese on it] 🎶 and i said, “what about, breakfast epiphanies” 🎶

*waving gun wildly* MY TUMMY HURTS

PATRON [tapping bar]: i’ll have a vodka martini with a twist M NIGHT SHAMALAN: [opens a gatorade]

I’m so sick of being competent. from now on I am baby.

my birthday is coming up so i’m treating myself by setting the thermostat to 75

The best way to get me to NOT buy something is to tell me about its healing (or otherwise magical) properties.