Oh you wouldn’t know them they’re from a different, dark recess of my mind.

im real good at adding two plus two almost always get four now how to use that to make millions

some of you people are real fucken sickos. keep it up.

I looked up from crying and my therapist was doing the jerk-off motion

I would never take a highway to the danger zone. they would see you coming. you have to take the back roads to the danger zone. you have to park about a mile off in a fairly public parking lot and reverse your jacket halfway through the walk to get to the danger zone. it's fucking dangerous there.

every night you repost me is a night i’m doing the charlie day butt butt dance

I just think it's funny that you love horror movies but hate being stabbed

A 2001 space obelisk situation but instead of creating tools it helps the apes discover how to draw dicks on things

Wearing holy knee jeans at 51 so I can put biofreeze on

A song that matches your mood so perfectly that coming out of it feels like waking up from a nap

Not sure why Thoreau would spend a couple years on a pond when he could have spent an afternoon looking at the oil stains on my driveway

Maybe it’s the kombucha talkin but your skin is finer than the bark of a 5000 yr-old bristlecone pine

The night pressed up against the window.

I’m behind on the protocol, how do you dispose of expired potential?

The flesh riots and the bones bray.

more things should be spiral-bound. consider bananas. spiral-bound bananas would be exciting. there are many possibilities here.

We've been trying to reach you about completely giving up.

there is no sense of triumph quite like asking your 2yo nephew “can i kick it?” and hearing him reply in a delighted squeal, “YESSA CAN!”

A suspect has been arrested at a seedy nearby hotel, and is being grilled downtown. Claiming to have had no beef with the deceased, he calls the allegations ungrounded. "I shouldn't be in this pickle," he states. Heartbroken, the victim's mother Patty growled, "I hope he fries!"

I’m afraid our government is making it increasing unlikely a conniving but friendly bear wearing business casual will grift me out a picnic basket at a national park, and it’s a bummer!

ACAB includes bras

Pretty amazing how everyone who starred in Se7en turned out to be a complete piece of shit due to totally different deadly sins

Got my acid and pimple patches mixed up again

Went in for a dermatologist checkup and they asked to see my ass. Caught me off guard and I think I said "Sure!" and probably sounded too eager. You gotta be nonchalant when someone asks to see your ass

sorry to my haters but my swim instructor said my backstroke is 10 out of 10

some of us post because we want to feel seen we want people to say we’re beautiful and funny we want to scream into the void and have it swallow us up or else howl back so loudly it shakes our bones, we want to know we’re not alone, we want to get the words out just so they stop eating us alive

Who wants to check me for ticks?

eating one extra thick spaghetti in a garlic bread bun like a hot dog

I fuck with you but I'm not in fuck with you.

You always hear about murder victims being found in shallow graves, never in deep, well-built graves. There’s no professionalism anymore.