feels like a couple more body parts should have lobes
Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Making you a coffee but forgetting to put it in a cup. Just sort of pushing it across the floor towards you with my hands
me: i think cell C12 is missing the formula for the rest of that column ai agent: it sure is you clever bitch. have you been taking genius pills
[running into the room out of breath] square burrito
when i'm getting ready to toot my little horn and swing my little hammer
getting transformed into a pillar of salt for checking whether the other website was still an online septic tank
check out our top 20 easy-to-make sides for your memorial day cookout! number 12 will bring you to your knees, fists raised to the sky at the abject cruelty of an indifferent god
you should come over tomorrow - we can open a bottle of pinot grigio and i’ll cook those weird eggs i found
watching the dude in front of me at the corner market purchase a single buzzball. i wonder what the night has in store for this desperado
my absence at the met gala does not mean i wasn't wearing something incredibly puzzling on a monday evening
though frequently disqualified, clown college actually has a very good baseball team
sick of people asking me "can you see without your glasses" as though i don't use echolocation to navigate, hunt, and avoid obstacles
(eating a pill i found on the floor of the club bathroom) hope it's a placebo. i don't need any effects right now
Oh my god. Oh my god babe. I'm on cnn․com and (checks door is closed so kids can't hear) the minions died.
Lady at the farm stand wouldn’t sell me betel nuts because she said I have a child’s soul
talking about favorite tv shows at a party and seeing how long i can get away with calling it "twin peeps" until someone loses their cool
inexplicably wearing a beret in all of today's work zooms
wandering around the house muttering “Whew… Tough day…” and “Sure could go for a cold one right now…” or “Ugh… So thirsty…” until the player controlling me lets me reach into my inventory for a beer
sean evans wrapping up my hot ones episode: this camera, this camera, this camera, tell the people what you got going on in your life me (cheerfully): nothing. absolutely nothing at all
i do not in fact "contain multitudes". i contain primarily chicken nuggets and anxiety
when a dog is wearing a collar with little cartoon bones on it...that is Fashion
using my powerful intellect to rotate a single chocolate Teddy Graham within my mind's eye
[yelling over everyone at a politician's town hall meeting] no one has ever actually eaten a ferrero rocher
me (checking my phone): ok if i fall asleep right now i'll get 4 hours before my alarm goes off my brain:
coworker: man this weekend was wild me (wearing a jean jacket, a little bit louder than is appropriate): OH YEA?
You know where you won’t see a series of increasingly worrisome headlines? Inside my hollow tree ever since the wifi went out because I chewed through a wire