Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Receiving a dick pic from a guy is like your cat bringing you a dead mouse. I can see you're proud, but I'm not touching it.

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

saw a license plate that started with CVM which is actually how Ancient Rome spelled cum

Sorry but standing in your kitchen eating rotisserie chicken fresh off a store run is peak satisfaction.

I thought I’d be performing a lot more citizens arrests in my life.

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

oh did you say “nelly’s country grammar”? my bad i thought you said “fraser’s kelsey grammer”. either way, they’re both special order but i can have them here as quick as wednesday

Hoping to retire comfortably but as an American the odds are better I’ll just get shot at a grocery store

As an "Extremely Busy Person" I don't so much "go to sleep", I "pass out".

When I go in my attic I pretend to be a ghost so real ghosts won’t get me.

wearing lasagna noodles as bracelets was a fantastic idea, people stop talking to me the second I start eating one off my arm

I'm ordering goods from all over the world because I want to do something imported with my life.

cooking tip: if you use only half an onion for a recipe, you can put the rest in the fridge and later you'll have a fridge that smells like onion

It really takes a lot of courage for hamburger to ask for help.

day not going great, just got put on a paper towel limit for the whole rest of the week

Statistically, most accidents happen inside the house. Usually in your mom’s bedroom.

Please be patient while I fly off this handle.

I can be trusted with the Death Note

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

My mechanic recommended I buy an OBD2 scanner. I don’t understand how a star wars robot can help me fix my car, but he’s the pro.

I feel like people stopped shitting bricks

i wore white pants today and i did not bleed or poop in them, nor did i fall into any rogue mud puddles or encounter any popsicle-stained children i feel i deserve a large award

whenever an ad pops up on the show i’m watching, i look at my phone immediately so as not to be corrupted

wearing a full suit of armor, rooting around inside the chest plate for a tissue I shoved in there earlier

No one knows what bemused means, we need to let this word go

God gives his toughest car problems to his strongest soldiers.

"I could be wrong," I lied.

Oh haha, this old thing? [gestures at whole body]

I’m too young to be this old