How does one become the right amount of stimulated?

Screaming 'cook muthafucka!' at the risotto rice

Grandpa that money was for tobacco!

"... it is still humorous to imagine the implications arising from it if taken at face value." I should get that printed on a hat, or something.

Life hack: don't waste your energy on futile, pointless tasks pick one or the other

Me: I'm home alone this week my wife went to the Caribbean without me Friend: Jamaica? Me: What, no Friend: Grenada? Me: No, that's barbaric! Friend: Cuba? Me: No, and this conversation is getting surreal Friend: Aruba? Me: That's not even a verb!

Finally figured out what will solve my executive dysfunction and it's having the staff of a 19th century country house

Ever since Elizabeth Holmes I have a lot of trust issues with women in polo necks

someone trying honey for the first time: wait, this is all bees eat? no wonder they can't fly straight

jail guard: you get one phone call me: um ok *dialing* hey i’m in jail 911: we should make this number harder

"I wasn't allowed to stay up and watch the EU treaty negotiations in 1991" "Maastricht?" "She was a bit"

AI is just the nuclear arms race except the aim is to make bombs that go off on their own

Doctors said I’d be lucky to survive into adulthood and boy were they wrong

I'll suffer fools gladly, I fucking love fools

My new business idea is selling subscriptions to Google circa 2008. Google 2026 is helping with the sales material

make a movie scarier: The Godzillafather

🅱️oofessor Killosk 👻🔪@professorkiosk.wtf · last mo.

make a movie scarier: field of screams

First animal that could fly: holy shit guys check this out

Boutta smoke some straight up bullshit

TO ALL MY DOUBTERS good call

My skin care regimen is just me yelling at my face in the mirror, “DO BETTER!”

Big Mike just gave the boys a 360. Judging by all the hooting and hollering, I think corduroys might be back.

I'm not sure what this means, but it's 100% correct.

Frances: Meh and Loving It@francesmeh.reviews · last mo.

benadryl at night, hat man's delight

starbucks' real product is "predictable road trip bathroom availability"

Started to google 'foods that make you feel good but don't contain loads of calories' and realised I was describing narcotics

I always know when the police arrest the wrong suspect, the evidence just doesn't add up (there are still 30 minutes left in the episode)

*pats a cat* you can fit so much attitude in this little thing

Cheesemaxxing my snacks is this a thing yet?

Performance Appraisal with the Werewolf

Just invented vintage cold brew by remembering why that cafetiere has been in my fridge since last summer