Overheard my kids and their friends talking about video games. These new-fangled games sound fun but they aren’t learning any life lessons like we used to. Guarantee at least one of those kids is going to get hit by a barrel thrown by a gorilla.
Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet. Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing Kind of. shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
I'm doing a sock draft. It's like a mock draft except I put on two sock puppets and they pick which of my stuffed animals they like best.
an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride
Give a man a fish. He'll eat for a day. Give a monkey a tiny tuxedo and it'll be sooooo cute. Also give him a fish cuz monkey's gotta eat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat it, but teach a man to fish and he will be gone for long stretches of time so you can finally get some peace!
If clams could clamor and hams could hammer, I’d make you a clam and ham casserole and we can get real loud while we get hammered.
Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh
Abe Lincoln, some historians say, could fuck a bear without engaging in any foreplay. But he always did the foreplay. He was a great man.
This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.
the perfect time to rob someone is when their baby starts crying in public
after doing some basic research I have concluded that the world is a vampire
Zombies eat brains all day... But… never defecate as far as I can tell. Yeah, you'd moan and groan and walk around all hapless and disoriented too. Don’t judge zombies is what I’m saying.
I blame all the recent barrel violence on America’s youth playing too much Donkey Kong.
"Do you, Ryu, take this man, Ken, to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do, Ken."
I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they dispose of a body.
On my resumé, it says I am proficient in all industry-related software. On top of that, there are Cheetos. I'm eating Cheetos off my resume
I haven’t had asparagus in over a week yet my urine still tastes horrible.
CLARK KENT (at his desk, lists the noble gasses): Helium, Neon, Argon… *a tear rolls down Clark’s cheek* TEACHER: Go on, Clark. CLARK (starts sniffling): It’s Krypt- *the tears begin to cascade* *Lana puts her hand on Clark’s leg* *Clark gets a super boner and his desk explodes*
[sex ed class] [kid raises hand] how will I use this in the real world? TEACHER: tbh, you probably won't Kyle
Today is the day I finally sit down and start reading the Bible cover to cover. Who am I kidding? I’m just gonna skip ahead to the dragon parts.
I have hollowed out my copy of the bible and put a live octopus inside. For emergencies.
Normalize calling vomiting “wet heaving.” For example: “Sorry, I wet heaved all over your couch, flipped the cushions, and left.”