i have received a very important message

I HOPE THAT SOMEONE GETS MY I HOPE THAT SOMEONE GETS MY I HOPE THAT SOMEONE GETS MY SAUSAGE IN A BOTTLE, YEAH

heard it called Scamazon Crime and i think thats just lovely

its so hot out someone set off a nuclear winter i dont want to be sweaty anymore

oh yes absolutely i am oh wait you said for real no im surreal

a little known fact gluttony only became a sin after god watched me eat my first couple of meals

It’s not drinking alone when your insecurities are always there

Is there a Mr interpreting my post?

reminder that your all your bedsheets are potential ghosts

the carotid artery should be called the garroted artery because it's where the garrote goes

I'm pretty laid back unless I hear a phone ring more than once

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

The less you do, the less you feel like doing. It’s science.

I'm proudest of the most frowned upon choice I made today.

[me, just existing] well, this is embarrassing

I got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts, and marshmallows. I won't lie... It was a Rocky Road...

It really takes a lot of courage for hamburger to ask for help.

This bucket of hummus, my zen garden Saltines, my rake

Lets play hide and not seek each other.

You're telling me this pig can speak latin?

Christians should be banned from playing sports. Jesus provides them with additional strength, which gives them unfair advantage.

Get in, loser. I forgot where I’m going. Get in, loser.

Uncrustables™ is more than just a product. it's a philosophy. Be uncrustable. Live uncrustably.

here to help oh my no im here to hinder

[public enemy hype voice] bring the cheese

Nothing makes you feel more alive than stepping on a wet spot in your socks. That’s God’s little reminder that you’re not in charge.

Interviewer: would you pass a drug test? Me: fire away, I know all of them

All your hot takes are what's causing the oceans to boil.

doesn’t crime go down when most people are generally having their basic needs met, or something like that

Oh, you have a baby on board? Well mine was elected board chairman.