pretty sure taylor thought she was talking to rachel maddow the entire game

AI is going to fucking murder your family in their sleep!! Also, check out this red lentil soup recipe with over 41,000 ratings! -ny times homepage

we all do, steven. we all do.

i would like to order a bowl of cigarettes. for the table.

him: I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT. me: omg. we’re seeing one another!?!?

slept all weird on my laptop again.

I've been asked not to come back to my kid's Career Day because all I did was open my laptop, stare out the window, and cry a little.

You call it the fetal position. I call it solo spooning.

i love using those heavy rope thingys at the gym. i feel like i’m jerking off a pirate ship.

my philosophy on dating men:

You know you’re getting older when less and less of your peers are posting hole on main

me: no one knew i was gay in high school. also, me (in high school): would anyone like to watch 30 minutes of me doing a choreographed ballet set to Tori Amos’s Little Earthquakes?

me: my doctor just told me i need emergency surgery. friend: oh my god—what kind? me: plastic.

[Turtle shows up at the bar...] Turtle: Hi, what are your Happy Hour specials? Bartender: We closed 3 hours ago.

spaghetti, for when you want your food to gently spank your face

This craft beer costs more than a regular six-pack but at least it's a four-pack.

me (playing basketball): i’m open!!! i’m open!!! teammate: (throws me ball, which is immediately intercepted) me: I should have clarified…to new sexual experiences!!!

my life is comprised of two main activities: heavily drinking and plotting revenge. usually both.

*Shuts down laptop.* I think that's enough internet for today. *Picks up phone* Let's see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

i’m financially at a stage where i understand why people commit fraud at the self checkout line.

i bet the hardest part about moving in with someone is matching up your tupperware

putting a stripper pole in my living room…if you build it they will come

you odyssey deez nuts.

who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now

on this new diet where i cry at least ten times a day.

One time I was in a chat and one guy asked "How do you even give someone diarrhea?" and another guy said "ziplock bag".

the last 12 miles were the hardest

air more toxic than your last relationship

Target got real wild this morning