Funny how we're all celebrating our "labor" this weekend considering what crappy employees we've become ever since we discovered Social Media.

Sometimes I realize I'm just an L.A. 4 buying a 6-er at a 7-11 at 2am.

“lol I’m SUCH a Carrie,” I say as a bucket of pig’s blood spills all over me.

I was gonna go to the gym, but the parking spot I found was too far to walk.

If randomly renaming bodies of water doesn't solve your trade war, I'm not sure what will.

“I hate to disappoint you” he said, despite all evidence to the contrary.

When someone tells me, "Great question." I never hear their answer because I'm busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question

Maybe Tim Curry just refused to live in a world without Dolly Parton.

I don't mind being at my wit's end. I just wish It had taken more than 7 seconds to get there.

[telling you what’s what]: it is what it is

I wonder if mobsters with Alzheimer's are walking around saying, "Aye... I forgoddabout it."

Who's got 2 thumbs and is going to a sweet party tonight?! My cousin - his construction crew is taking him out after he lost 8 of his fingers.

I’m a little ray of pitch black

*brings a recording of the Benny Hill theme to a knife fight*

I was driving the other day when a deer jumped out and hit my car. And, yep, you guessed it, despite all he told me, he did NOT have insurance.

My friend says he's a compulsive liar, and you know, despite it all, I believe him!

Has Vegas changed? Well, a Coors Light just cost me 18 bucks, so yes.

ME: I wish this pool had a swim up blackjack table. NEIGHBOR: And I wish you'd get your drunk ass out of my koi pond.

Sunday is the day I drop my most stupidest posts, followed very closely by my posts on Monday through Saturday.

I hope when my life flashes before my eyes as I die there's a little montage of all the times I ate some napkin because there was melted cheese on it

me (playing basketball): i’m open!!! i’m open!!! teammate: (throws me ball, which is immediately intercepted) me: I should have clarified…to new sexual experiences!!!

I haven't missed that many flights in my life, but that one time I flew to Las Vegas sitting between two high-spirited strippers... I miss that flight a lot.

Finally got a trainer for my unruly dog. He still barks all the time, but he's benching double what he was before and his abs look amazing.

I’ve yet to talk to anyone in this ball pit with a coherent world view.

Well, I found the clit, and with no thanks to you, Google Maps!

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

Singing “Happy Birthday” to A Horse with No Name and watching the realization on everyone’s faces as we get closer to the end of of the song

That feeling just before they call shirts or skins and you’re wearing a wire for Brad’s mom

instant gratification isn’t enough. gratification should anticipate what i want

IN HONOR OF SHARK WEEK People say "Jaws" is the most successful movie with a shark attack, but "West Side Story" DID win 10 Oscars...