My daughter figured out how to spell "Peppa and George"

My new thing instead of pilfering game cards and forgetting to ever put them back is custom one-off bookmarks (My ongoing thing is too many books)

RE starlight you sent 1500 years ago: sorry, just seeing this

One-time-only opportunity for Project Hail Barbie, which way do you do it

Fool me once in a lifetime, shame on David Byrne Fool me once, twice, three times? Shame on Lionel Richie

Parenthood is watching your almost-2 delicately insert peas into the tube of her squeezy applesauce, and saying "Hey, that's pretty good fine-motor"

Someone who is good at the occult please help me, what is my daughter summoning

My daughter (3) going through the records: I want this one. "Boys and Hands"

Why love someone platonically when you can love them plate-tectonically (as two crustal masses, colliding with, sliding under, and moving past one another)

PIZZA GUY: Lemme read that back. I take the third right, second left, fifth left, second right, fourth left. Don't touch the seventh stone after the statue with the trident. Square door if there's a breeze from the east, round door otherwise MINOTAUR: No, no

Face down, Ass up, That my friends, Is a feeding duck

Little ditty Bout Mike and Jo-ann Two competing craft stores in America's heartland Mikey gonna sell art with a mason ja-ar Joann make a quilt for the back seat of the car Smock on

You can get "wealth" by taking liberties with "the law"

Hiring a Latin band to play loudly outside the office just as your rival begins his presentation is mariachiavellian

Me: Give it to me straight, doc Doctor: ANEMIA. LEAKY VALVE. ENZYME FAIL. FATAL WITHIN A WEEK Me: Now give it to me curvy Doctor: BOGUS BUG, BRO. GROSS CRUD. DO DRUGS, SO GOOD POOP OCCURS. GO DO DOC PROUD, DOG

murderer: [looking murderly at me] me: [holds up steaming mug that says Do Not Even Think Of Murdering Me Before I’ve Had My Coffee] murderer: [holds up steaming mug that says I Can’t Read]

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn" Reasonably verbose? He frowns (this is an anagram)

are there a lot of first person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Holy infant so tender and mild, so succulent and flavorsome, so juicy and melt-in-the-mouth

unnecessary syllabificational optimization (a haiku)

You know it's authentic Russian porn when a lady takes off her clothes to reveal an identical, slightly smaller lady

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life? USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car

Bluey-heads will understand why I laughed to read the end of this chapter while watching Sticky Gecko

in your moment of greatest peril, every animal you ever swerved to avoid appears to fight on your behalf

I like the term “loanword” because it implies the word will need to be returned at some point. “Café” is due back to the French in three days. The fines on “raccoon” have really been piling up with the Algonquin so make sure to return that this week

[1969] MARCIA: We're married! GEORGE LUCAS: My beautiful fourth wife MARCIA: what GEORGE: Yes, later I will have three wives that come before you, nine total. I won't be involved with the last three. This is a normal way

Cookie Monster is a great example of om nom nominative determinism

ME *enjoying a pizza*: Mmm, just what the doctor ordered {knock, knock} ME *opening door*: Hello? DOCTOR: Do you have my pizza?

Everyone knows "eXamine Your Zipper" but in fact the whole alphabet is good for this: Undies Visible, Warning Quick! Reliably Shut Trousers A Beautiful Cock—Doesn't Exactly Feel Great How It Just Kinda Looms Majestically iN Our Peripheral