walking into a dispensary dressed like the caterpillar from alice in wonderland
The Pale Space Rider?
@truegritrumble.bsky.social
being romantic, but indignantly
You have died from eating Oregon Trail Mix
the road not taken is where robert frost hunts his prey
*mouthing “it’s complicated” every time someone tries to signal to me my fly is down*
thinking about lying to all my friends for the plot
instant gratification isn’t enough. gratification should anticipate what i want
*putting a fitness watch connected to strava on a wild coyote to fuck with my runner friends who bullied me onto the app*
GREEK SOLDIER: *whispering* do you have a girlfriend OTHER GREEK SOLDIER: *also whispering* yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different horse
Mugger [pulling out knife]: give me all your money Me [pulling out bigger knife]: actually, how bout you give me all your honey? Mugger: [bursts into a swarm of bees and flies off, leaving behind a delicious honeycomb]
as an empath, i can sense when i’m annoyed with people
me: i like animals also me: *finding out people are technically animals* i like most animals
me: am i a bad per- friend: yes me: i didn’t finish friend: oh, sorry. please finish me: person? friend: yes
me: *on my first day as a chiropractor* that neck was broken when i got here
who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now
me: this is a crazy mad lib you have me filling out cop: that’s a confession
is that a gun in your pocket or are you just omg ok you’re robbing me
doctor: it’s not looking good me: *standing in the doorway having just walked in* you haven’t even done any tests yet doctor: *pointing at all of me* it’s pretty obvious
me: looks like my secret admirer left me another note friend: what does it say? me: “notice of eviction”
pitch forks and tuning forks sound like they should be related
“i warn you, sir. i am spineless” i collapse to the floor and snail crawl my way out the door
*peels off resting bitch face to reveal an even more rested and bitchier face*
ask your doctor if being haunted by a small victorian child is right for you
friends with benefits? i’d love for all my friends to have benefits, but apparently that’s called socialism, which is “bad” for some reason. anyway, what was the reason you wanted me to go back to your place?
me: i’m a cancer. which means i have cancer friend: that’s not how that works me: does it work at all, bud? idk. i’m not a zodiologist
when you haven’t been talked about in a while so you try on stolen valor and inclusion in a minority class, but spiritually
Entertainment Weekly@ew.com · 2mo agoMillie Bobby Brown thinks that she was a closeted gay soldier who was slain with a sword to the spine in a past life.