There's a bat in my belfry, and I'm going insane trying to figure out what the hell a belfry is.

Becoming a good consumer would fix me, that's what the system told me.

I have this cool new side hustle where I exchange hours of my life for fulfillment.

Being out of touch isn't so bad. I haven't known what was cool for over thirty years at this point.

When someone says "fun fact" to me, I cut them off and say, "Ignorance is bliss. I do not wish to learn."

My throat feels like I have swallowed a bag of knives (because I have swallowed a bag of knives). Perfect light summer meal.

Love means never having to explain why the walls whisper terrible secrets when you enter the room.

Emotional pain never really goes away. It simply becomes part of your transformative character arc.

MJ: Peter shoot your ropes! SPIDER-MAN: Stop calling them that.

You're in her DMs, I'm being wrapped in her silken fibers while her caustic biochemicals begin the process of predigestion

Just got back from the circular firing squad, and boy are my arms bleeding.

You have died from eating Oregon Trail Mix

Singing “Happy Birthday” to A Horse with No Name and watching the realization on everyone’s faces as we get closer to the end of of the song

YOU HAVE EARNED YOURSELF THE IRE OF THE IGUANA PEOPLE. YOUR SOFT TISSUES DO NOT STAND A CHANCE.

Every day on this site is a new opportunity to post something completely innocuous that will inexplicably make someone extremely upset, and that's kind of magical.

maniacal laughter for maniacal circumstances doesn't feel like the best medicine, and that's why I take Prescription Drugs™️

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR : okay pull into the driveway ME: 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘸𝘢𝘺🤏

squirrels can't digest milk. stop buying them ice cream. you're making everything worse.

put me in your myspace top 8 so i know it’s real

The cool thing about creating art is that it doesn't need an audience. Just making something genuine and authentic is enough, and if people like it even better. That's not the point though, the point is (-8.5, -8.15) which is my current position on the political compass.

Caulking the windowsill with peanut butter to ward off people allergic to peanut butter

cool handbasket! i hear things can go to hell in one of these

okay I’ll bite what’s a dril

When someone tells me my opinion doesn't matter, I believe them. Then I remember they spent time and energy informing me of that fact. Congratulations, my irrelevant opinion has become your problem now.

This might sound elitist, but I don’t think the people liking the Peanuts slop posts should have rights

Barbara Longley Author (no DMs) 📎@blongley.bsky.social · 5d ago

I learned all I really need to know i̶n̶ k̶i̶n̶d̶e̶r̶g̶a̶r̶t̶e̶n̶ from the poorly made memes I found on social media.

The concept of killing two birds with one stone became popular during the Great Stone Shortage of 1687.

Some people just want to watch the world burn. They're called pyromaniacs. Bring the lighter fluid.

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