every squad has the oblivious homie. except mine i guess
yeah, you name a baby andre the giant what did you think was gonna happen??
can’t afford the streaming service tonight’s game is on but i can afford stealing my neighbor’s curtains
if i could redo my helium balloon vending machine i’d probably put the door at the top
venus de milo could have defeated medusa but she was unarmed
This is crazy. Guy down my block died in his apartment and he didn’t have any family or roommates it took a week for anyone to notice he was missing. And when cops and EMS finally got in there they discovered his Funko Pops had been eating his corpse
found myself in a catholic church for the first time in 10 years yesterday and man i forgot that christ has some catchy jingles
I thought this was just beautiful. Kurt Vonnegut takes a walk to mail a letter:
read if u drive ur car into a lake the first step to survive is to stay calm however i will not being doing that what else ya got
get urself a new pair of pajama pants by falling asleep in ur jeans
re: impeding doom via the demise robots has anyone tried just uhh
i don’t think the hr lady was paying attention during the first half of the sexual harassment seminar it’s been like an hour and a half of what constitutes acceptable behavior and she’s still asking me if i wanna role play
trying to get into heaven but st. peter wants to discuss ur whole life first? shut up u gossipy bitch i wanna go meet airbud
must be embarrassing as hell to call in to your job as a mechanic cause your car won’t start
If you’re moved by this guy crying boy oh boy are there some other images and videos you should check out
tired of self improvement can’t everyone else just get worse
You gotta give it up to Earth Wind & Fire for not even bothering to add a Water guy. They were just like it’s fine
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in a drive thru and accidentally spent $174.93
dr: lets do two truths and a lie me: i’d really rather no- dr: i can speak french me: *sighs* ok dr: you have more than a month to live me: what dr: i can play the trombone me: dr: me: can you? dr: oui
a lot of people act like there's a trade being offered where we give up trans athletes in sports and in exchange fascism is defeated forever
Met the Spanish version of myself today. Uncanny likeness. Little sad because I guess I had always secretly hoped that I was the most Spanish version of my many possible selves. Grew all this mustache for nothing.
i am like a bee in that i love honey and flowers and getting so mad i rip my own ass off
