My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when he invents the Gumpty dance

What band sings Back In Black? A) C/DC B) AC/DC AC) /DC AC/ D)C

You’re in her dms, I’m in a haunted Antarctic research station being tormented by ghostly visions

Even my weather app is stressed out

Sitting is nice, but have you tried laying down?

The Republicans are trying to claim dead people voting and receiving benefits is a real problem, so watching them scheme to keep a dead guys power alive is a fun new twist

Mitch McConnell at the Podium

ALT: Mitch McConnell at the Podium

static.klipy.com

"These fucking people and their fucking children," I growl at our new family portrait.

How did yarn take over as the default gif result on Google search? Shitification of the sacred act of meme sharing should be illegal.

Sorry I’m late. The MapQuest directions I printed out were shuffled in the wrong order.

I can't believe I found a picture of the woman I used to date back in high school. She was older and lived in a different town, so you probably didn't know her

250 years ago today, Jesus gave birth to a pile of guns

Fleetwood Mac: Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone Me: Yes. That’s how calendars work. Why not try endlessly thinking about tomorrow?

If you make me uncomfortable, I’ll have no choice but to act deliberately casual and accepting of you anyway.

Just when I think I've dealt with enough cat vomit the cat produces more vomit for me.

When I said I support the Labour Party, I meant I buy pizza and beer for friends who help me move.

"You needn't remind me my failures, I haven't forgotten them." I say as I drop my 12" pianist off to his recital

If I could say one sentence to cats and make them understand it, it would probably be "If you are going to puke, please do it on a hard surface."

horses are one of the largest and most handsome types of dog

Success is the best revenge. Or maybe arson. The point is, be vengeful

I can only get off if the role play is historically accurate.

The plural of platypus is platypoo.

The summer solstice is just a made up holiday to sell more henges.

this is why you don’t sleep with a coworker

*talking to myself* we're all pretty fed up with your shit, man

big day today!! !

Pioneers: "quit your job, buy some land" Silent gen: "quit your job, take command" Boomer: "quit your job, find a man" Gen X: "quit your job, start a band" Millennials: "quit your job, open a stand" Gen Z: "quit your job, start a brand"

I always talk about the weather because I'm made of sugar which is problematic in the rain.

Getting a vasectomy this Friday. Broke HOA bylaws. Knocked up "too many" neighbors again. Anyway it's fine. This location is ideal (close to work, school)