who had that website for rating landlords

Threw my back out reaching for the cereal. Just let me die already.

what are the odds they gave that little turtle some lettuce for enrichment and technically i called it

cru jonze@carnitas.bsky.social · 3y ago

Good morning skeeple. May today bless you with light, love & happiness, and Mitch McConnell with fatal diarrhea. 🙏

oh also my landlord is being a landlord so there’s that other fun shit i get to deal with. i hope everyone is aware they have the wrong bitch.

Daughter: dad, why did you name me Violet? Dad: aww hon, because you were conceived in a field of violets. :) Son: gross dad Dad: shut up dumpster

alexa, give this guy diarrhea

my new boss has been “trying” to catch people on their phones according to someone in a different department. there’s only 4 of us. 2 are over 80. so he’s trying to catch me and the other dude on our phones and hasn’t and isn’t happy about that i fucking hate this juggalo yall

every night before bed you should have your family pass through a hula hoop if any of them have been replaced by puppet people the invisible wires will catch on the hoop

did someone say sadder

Deeny they/them@geraldinepiche.bsky.social · yesterday

I bet the inventor of the microwave was like "no. Sadder."

I liked you better as a repressed memory

grocery store prices got me fixing peanut butter or jelly sandwiches

“this little light of mine” was written about the penjamin

nothing rhymes with war crimes

well it was never called livearrhea so idk rip

laws are arbitrary

battle the pervert glasses and flock camera surveillance state by putting led’s on some sunglasses like macgyver

cop: did he send any texts around the time of the crash? cop 2: he sent a post that reads "padding my three track album with 26 skits and interludes" cop: not bad but it ain't going viral cop 2: posting isn't just about going viral cop: (sighs) not this shit again

Hoping to retire comfortably but as an American the odds are better I’ll just get shot at a grocery store

the perfect time to rob someone is when their baby starts crying in public

hungry for a tasting flight of a dozen different breads

I’m the perfect guest cause I’m not fussy for breakfast. Just gimme a jar of olives & a fork, I’m squared up bro

i was actually the first one to doxx the muffin man that was all me

for a moment it felt like we were <s>staring at the same moon</s> watching the same pokémon movie marathon

if you can’t take the heat, stay in the house and skeet

now if you’ll EXCUSE ME, i’m going to have sex at my wife

thinking about this tweet lol

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

i bring a sort of ‘i fear neither pain nor death’ energy to the pedestrian/driver interaction that drivers don’t really like

The country cottage of the Ghost Brothers. #AuGhost

my two wolves are both alan tudyk