Trouble sleeping? Ask your doctor if Yambien is right for you.

I did the Cologuard thing. The instructions were unclear, so I just shit in the box, put it on my doctor's doorstep, lit it on fire, rang the doorbell, and ran away.

Despite all my rage, I still have my ass in a cage.

JOHN FOGERTY: I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain JAMES TAYLOR: okay, you’re not gonna fucking believe this

Rudy Giuliani will be laid to rest at Arlington National House of Pancakes.

I've seen Star Wars a thousand times, but watching today was the first time I noticed that when Han fired at the door in the trash compactor and it ricocheted everywhere, the blast didn't hit anyone because they were wearing stormtrooper outfits.

"In small packages, sometimes big packages come. I’m saying my dick is big. I have a huge penis, Luke.."

The trailer park down the street is having a Meth Gala tonight. It's a circle of pickup trucks with the headlights on, and Bethany is totally slaying it with her cut-off jean shorts and white tank top with one titty hanging out. Some are calling it a wardrobe malfunction, but we all know Bethany.

There's a parallel universe where trailer park girls go 'round the inside.

Wow. These assassination attempts are getting so exclusive. They are black tie events now.

Instead of hello, I’ve started answering the phone with “how did you get this number?”

WAITER: would you care for dessert JEFF: i’ll have the jello GEOFF: i’ll have the geollo JEFF: jesus christ not this again GEOFF: geosus christ

the on top of spaghetti song’s real name is al dente’s peak

Got dragged for posting a 30 year old joke. I deleted everything that's not original content or noted, so, on this account, just in case.

Someone needs to make a Catnip called Meowie Wowie.

An army of lesbians is called a Militia Etheridge

My future is so bright, I gotta wear transition lenses

Friend: Do you remember joy at all? Me: the emotion or the dish soap?

4/20 is tomorrow. The world is so fucked up that no one is talking about the best holiday of the year. We are all like children who have forgotten that Santa is coming because our parents are getting divorced

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

The US government threatening the Pope is like when other rappers tried to clown MC Hammer. They are obviously not familiar with the Vatican game.

My favorite holiday tradition was when my dad would sit us down as a family and tell us the story of Easter. Jesus was crucified, rose again on the 3rd day, left his tomb, saw his shadow, and we had 6 more weeks of winter.

If you get a vasectomy in New Jersey it’s called a “Hackensack.”

I'm so worried. What if the president is ok?

"Oh,...bring your kid to work day, not bring your work to Kid day." -US helicopter pilot.

Bro, I am higher than the truck nuts on the Artemis II

clogging the vacuum toilet on day one of the moon voyage

that guy is a fuckin mess

If I were a witch, they'd burn me at the Steak 'n Shake