Me: Hello exclamation point Coworker: Um… hi? Me: Gorgeous day isn’t it question mark Coworker: Dude, why are you talking to me like you’re dictating a text? Me: Heart emoji eggplant emoji You really get me exclamation point. Coworker: Bruh you’re whacked. Me: tearful emoji middle finger emoji

Try this bedroom tip that will bring you joy (sleep)

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

a tray of lasagna can be an apéritif nothing matters anymore

Who thought it best to add to the label "refrigerate after opening" rather than "stay cool?"

Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime

If I said you had a beautiful massage recliner, would you hold it against me?

I put the “I Voted” sticker on my scrotum the way the founding fathers intended.

It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant, because I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery

So, you're not allowed to boo in church

Despite the rising costs of living, more and more of us are doing it

How do people know their dogs' names? I can't understand a word mine is saying

Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn’t last long if you’re fat

I've cut ties with Harpo Marx.

You can’t judge a band by its cover.

Fuck it I’m starting a new World Cup . Can’t live without it anymore. Rita, get Cucurella on line 2.

My reason to learn Origami is two fold.

if i owned Goodyear, my slogan would be: Don’t Tread on Me or A Good Place to ReTire or Give Us a Try, No Pressure or Air to The Throne or We Won’t Leave You Flat or

God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

Don't judge me until you've heelied a mile in my Heelys (I'm fucken rad)

What I wouldn’t give to be a philanthropist!

It’s a limited series in the sense that my interest in it is limited.

Many Amish families still churn their own toothpaste.

Interviewer: list five words that describe your character Me: what in the actual fuck

[Being stabbed to death] Your hands don't even hurt do they? That's why I splurged on the good knives. You could do this all night and........

ME: do you have any specials PHARMACIST: what

A cool thing to say before someone shoots you would be "those bullets better be silver, playboy"

Just the Tip is for amateurs. Try playing Just the Base next time.

The message of "MMMBop" resonates now more than ever.