SCIENTISTS: But what to call this fifth, meaty flavor? ME: *trying to get mommy’s attention*

Date: I’m a huge cat person Me: *pushes the condiments off the table Date: let’s go back to my place

ME: How about Baz Luhrmann’s ‘War + Peace’ ROGER EBERT: Wh- why this isn’t the ‘good place’ at all

OLIVER TWIST: Please sir, just the check please

ME: So does that mean God’s last name is ‘Christ’ ME: PRIEST: Again sir, this space is reserved for confessionals ME: PRIEST: I mean I guess?

Hot nacho cheese flung into my eye watching the odyssey and i caught cyclopsora

GOD [vengeful]: and this one’s a blood orange

Circling back, where was the beef?

THERAPIST: *sighs* okay, I dare you to tell me the truth

Ew so when your mom was in second grade your dad was only a kindergartner ew

IMAGINARY FRIEND: There’s a male loneliness epidemic

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed. Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

Points deducted for the seat or the floor

Date: I like someone spontaneous. Me: *combusts

only cuz i keep forgetting about it

space ghost@luxenoir.blacksky.app · 2mo ago

Post a meme you have NEVER gotten to use

GOD: *closes a door then opens a Windows 98 to play minesweeper*

Shows I’m surprised are still on: Survivor The Simpsons FDR Fireside Chats Joan! (Of Arc Talk Show) Attila the Hun’s Funtime Huntime

You tell me your name so I tell you everyone I know that has your name because IM TRYING TO RELATE TO YOUR EXPERIENCE

Yeah I’m down with O.P.P.* *Ⓞriginal Ⓟan Ⓟizza

ME: *googling* stop drop and what else on fire now

Riding the bus is cheap. Turning your gold into piss is free. theonion.info

Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

[the trolley problem] ME: Wait back up, the other way

🎶A little bit of Monica in my life, A little bit of Monica by my side, A little bit of Monica is all I need, A little bit of Monica is what I see, A little bit of Monica in the sun, A little bit of Monica all night long, A little bit of Monica here I am, - guy who is really into Monica

Made a ham sandwich and forgot to eat it. (Hamnesia) Made a PBJ and forgot to eat it. (Jamnesia) Made some chowder and forgot to eat it. (Clamnesia)

PAUL MCCARTNEY: So did you hear the new song? ME: The ‘help from my friends’ one? MCCARTNEY: yeah ME: MCCARTNEY: ME: Come on man just hire movers

Imagine driving never having seen an octagon and then BAM there’s a stop sign. OH. YOU’RE STOPPING ALRIGHT. SO MANY SIDES. HELL YEAH.

CYRANO DE BERGERAC: Now tell her she looks like updog

GIMLI [dirtbag]: and my axe body spray