Girls don‘t like to be choked THAT much we just yearn for proper lymphatic drainage
Movies shouldn't have a "dreamlike quality". I'm awake for a reason!
I've invented a new font where every letter is replaced by a 3200x2400 pixel jpeg of a giant tropical centipede. Now to use it to write a letter of resignation to a company I haven't worked at for 8 years
I don’t want to KILL MYSELF I just want everyone in my life to realize they should have appreciated me more!! Why can’t they invent THAT
Isabel is a genius and not just because we are friends (though that is a genius move)
Isabel Zaw-Tun@izzyzaw.bsky.social · 4w agoHello here is something I wrote! I might write more! medium.com/@isabelzawtu...
My girl Ciara is the only one with a blue name on the Wikipedia page I know that’s right
whoever named them anteaters really nailed it
Gf wants me to shave my beard in case I’m hiding a double chin. I WISH I was hiding a double chin. Instead I’m hiding a secret upside-down 2nd face of the twin I absorbed in utero. Which wouldn’t be so bad except the face looks exactly like my gf. And it hates her. I’m afraid it will try to bite her
I don’t know anything about sports but I want the Knicks to lose just because I don’t want Timothee Chalamet to be happy
Me after getting my nails freshly done: my hands are too small. Maybe if I wave them in front of people’s faces Me when my nails are chewed up, dirt road, choppy chippy dusty garbage: You could see my slovenliness from outer space. I need to have my hands surgically removed
When your sleep paralysis demon is the embodiment of settler colonialism
my friend: are you going to art's party tonight? seems like you've got a lot going on me: I don't know, i feel like i got to since he's always at mine the medieval peasant i brought to our time on his second bag of guacamole doritos: might we stop for a second "jimmied john" me: sure man i guess
If Justin Trudeau can go to Coachella at 54 then I should be allowed to use the IKEA ball pit at 35. It’s simply the law of mathematics
Thinking about how, for a cow, a bikini top & a bikini bottom are basically the same thing
Train was 20+ minutes late and as everyone filed in, the conductor was yelling “no shoving, everyone be nice! Everyone please be nice!” Guess what country I live in
thinking about transmuting my belief in the resiliency of institutions into uncritical hero worship of a specific dude. might sublimate my entire political ideology into the whims of some guy
Working retail can really make you incapable of enjoying sitcoms. I've seen too many canonically broke characters wearing 3 new Anthropologie dresses every week
[the inventor of ADHD meds making their pitch] ok imagine: methamphetamine!! that you take so you can answer emails
When the kitchen in your shared workplace has a really good spoon
when I was 15 I met my friend’s mom and I said “wow you look like that lady… the one who got into a screaming fight at the park” because that had been my primary childhood exposure to Caroline Bassette Kennedy. Kelsey’s mom did not realize it was a nice compliment
HER: *puts cherry in mouth and seductively pulls out stem perfectly tied into a knot* ME: *puts hand in box of Bugles and seductively pulls out bugles perfectly balanced on each finger*
really starting to understand why that old woman left it all behind to go live in a shoe
[on my deathbed] I should have… I should have posted more. I had- [coughs] I had so many takes