Dark night of the soul patch

me, whenever i eat a stalk of celery

A group of people who refuse to get help is called a family

"Don't be an idiot." ExCUSE ME! My entire existence revolves around, and is a result of, me being an idiot. How dare you.

Everything started going downhill the second that country music became mainstream

Couldn’t figure out how to use the fancy can opener so I chucked 5 cans of cranberry sauce off the top of the Pru and hoped for the best

Gone With the Wind-Jammer

emceekayvee@emceekayvee.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: Treasure Epstein Island

Ruin a book by adding a word: Treasure Epstein Island

James Damron@runswindows95.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Tell-Tale Heart Arrhythmia

Remember when you treated social media like it was real life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Cider House Fuckin’ Rules

✨🌊 s e a ⛵️ w i t c h✨@infiniteishq.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Body Count of Monte Cristo

Hi. I'd like to introduce myself. But I won't.

Gonna scream at people in the street until somebody's worried about me

If you tell any person under 30 that you feel over stimulated you can act like a total asshole as much as you want

The retractable antibacterial hand gel lanyard stays ON during sex

*seeing an absolutely exhausted, husk of a man sat outside couples therapy* “First time dating a Scorpio, huh?”

I have been really good if you want to feed me a treat (with a flat hand to make sure I don’t bite)

"there's always a new fuckface doing new fuckface shit." -greeting the new hire at work

i want a man with a short dick and a loooong ballsack

Someday I'll do better things with my time, but today is not that day

Check on your friends. Whoever was at this gas pump before me pumped $0.34

That’s okay, tumtum. The titanic was taken out by iceberg too

One pot meal, as in, "It would take me smoking one pot please in order to eat it."

The most prolific writer of prehistoric times was the brontësaurus thank you for your time.

Maybe the love of my life is disposable income

*hands you my phone* Please take my dildo-purchasing machine away

Another nice compliment is to tell someone they look like they have all their teeth

So what you do is, you just scroll. With your thumb. Yeah, like that. And then your brain lives 8 very stressful lifetimes in the span of 30 minutes. I do it like 10 times a day. I’ve lost the ability to make eye contact with my loved ones.

Haven’t shared this in a while. Maybe it’ll help. go.bsky.app/MopNHTz

What the hell were you doing with a needle near a haystack anyway? Get a new needle. They’re cheap

Live laugh lick it like a lollipop